I have been pondering for a few days now on what to write. Or what I don't want to write. But it's not about what I want others to see or not to see, it about what I NEED to let out. And going through the transformation that I have been making in my life recently, I have a lot that I have kept inside of my head, and my heart eating me alive for years. And in order to heal myself from the inside out, I ultimately need to release the demons that I am defeating.
When my mother asked me earlier tonight if there was a point in my time during my addiction when I knew that deep down I was going to end up okay... Did I? Sometimes. There were times when I would hate the heroin, and all the scars on my body from the constant mutilation of sticking a needle in my arm. and I would get sick of it and want to change.. but its not that simple. And then I would think, well maybe I won't be okay, if I can't quit this now, when am I ever going to? And then the cycle would get deeper and deeper. And I wouldn't care anymore. I would spend all of my money down to the last cent on heroin, cigarettes, and gas to go get the heroin. I treated my boyfriend like shit just because I knew he would take it. I didn't care if people looked at me and all the saw was a 5'6'' 90 pound junkie who didn't give a shit about anything but her smack.. cause that's all I was. And did I think I would still somehow climb out of that hole? I wanted to, but it felt very hopeless a lot of the time. A few of the times in my life when I have been incredibly scared were when I knew I had no more drugs, and no more money, and come a few hours time I would begin to feel so sick I would want to slit my wrists just so I didn't have to go through it again. And it seemed like everytime I managed to quit, I got further and further down and it was harder and harder to get back up again.
But do I regret it? That is a hard question to answer, and ultimately in the end I believe my answer would have to be no. I feel that this is a lesson my soul needed to face in this lifetime for one reason or another, and for all the life that I have lived in my short 20 years, I can now spend the rest of it using my painful journey to teach and heal others.
The things I am having trouble letting go of is mostly how I treated others. Here I am, the sweetest person on the fucking planet and I am so far gone that those who were the closest to me, I hurt the most. And although I feel guilt for much of what I have done because of my addiction, it has made me ever more grateful for those relationships now. I believe that my relationship with my sister will be better than it has ever been. And my relationship with my boyfriend, we have been through so much in the last three years that the depth of how close we are goes beyond any physical realm. My mother, finally learned that it was not her fault. And she learned that as long as I knew she loved me and was there for me, that things would work themselves out. I am so grateful for her learning what she has and how to deal with things, because it makes our relationship stronger because I can now talk to her about things, when I struggled to in the past.
The one thing I am having trouble understanding is the sexual assault I have had to endure. Three times. Three different people. That I knew. I don't get it, when I am a good person, and yes, I fell into my addiction, but how was that not enough, and the death of my sister not enough, that I have to feel like my body is a meaningless object for people to take advantage of and do what they want. And there's nothing I can do about it now. And lately that is all that is in my head a lot of the time. I struggle to understand what I did to deserve it. Not so much deserve.. but, what the hell is the lesson that I am to learn from this? Because all I can really recognize is the destruction it has caused me, and my romantic relationship. I am at a loss for what to do because I don't know how to forget about it just so I can be with my love. And it hurts him because he doesn't know what to do to help me, or how to help me. and I hate it. But I suppose I will just have to be patient and see what comes out of this, because for all of what I have gone through in my life I know at the very least I can still use this to help others who are at a loss.
Now time for bed so I can continue with my Five Element Accupressure for Emotional Healing class tomorrow... Goodnight.
