Embracing Fear. Lessons. Growth. Perfection.

After talking with my sister Alyssa the other day I have come to a full-blown realization of what my problem has been lately. And while I've known it the whole time of course, I never really fully understood quite why I am in the place I'm in. 

We go through life, living, existing, hiding, whatever makes us feel comfortable. But in order to really push the limits, and to truly succeed anywhere we have to be willing to feel the uncomfortable, awkward, and sometimes downright crappyness. 

We need to be accepting of what is, grateful for what has been, and unattached to what is to come. This is what I'm choosing to live my life by lately. 

Now, over the past several years I haven't gone very far. Mentally, sure, I definitely have in a lot of aspects. However, on paper, I don't have much to show. At least, that's the way I was feeling about things. I sit around and dwell on what/where I could be right now, and it just makes me feel bad. But what I was missing the entire time (even though deep down I really knew it) was that I have always been exactly where I need to be. 

As humans we attach to people, things, outcomes, etc.. and when things don't turn out the way we expect them to, we feel we have failed. There is no such thing as failure. Everything is perfect, just as it should be. 

I've been so afraid to move forward with my life... to get a good job, car, my own apartment, etc. I've been living in fear because I am so damn scared that if I rise to the top again, that I will crash and burn. And I know, life will not always be perfect, but I can't stay stuck forever. 

So I looked for jobs that had no real meaning to me, and got really down about not getting any of them. I kept telling myself the perfect job would come along eventually, but on some level I don't think I was really ready for it until after coming to this awareness of my place on this Earth. 

So last Friday night, at the healing circle, I decided to embrace the fear, and really say what was up. That I am so scared to move into the light and out of the darkness because I'm afraid of coming back to this dreary place. But I also know, that I have big things I'm supposed to do in this world and cowering in a corner sure as hell is not going to get me there is it? 

And I was right. The perfect job did come along. Did I get it? Not sure yet. Do I hope I do? Yes. But am I being attached to the fact that I want to ? Trying not to be. I know that no matter what, as long as I am aware of my feelings/emotions/actions, and I embrace everything for as it is - nothing less, nothing more, then I will be okay. I have faith that the Universe is going to take care of me. I have always been right on my path, doing what I need to be doing, so that I can better serve my purpose in this body during this lifetime. 

Every single thought that enters or strays from our mind is important. Every judgement, every want, need, satisfaction.. everything matters. What I'm learning quickly, is that not only does it all matter. But we all matter, and to a very amazing extent. 

Life is good. I'm very grateful for this learning experience. I am grateful for the world around me, and while it may seem fucked up and out of control to some, or fabulous to others, I'm simply taking it all in just as it is - perfect.

<3

Amazement.

So after spending the last several months writing blogs, and then forgetting to upload them when I can make it to an internet connection I am finally sitting down and spilling out my jumbled thoughts onto this screen. I almost need it, just so I can visually see the crazyness that is in my head (good crazy).

The last several months have been a serious emotional roller coaster for me. Not so much a roller coaster, as perhaps riding on the back of a manic depressive dragon. Yes, that is more like it. A dragon. :]

And while I could spend all this time thinking about every little thing that has happened – good, bad, weird, empty, shitty, etc.. I know what I have gained from all of this and the light is starting to force it’s way through, and soon there shall be not a spot of obscure darkness in my path. It’s my time. FUCKING finally.

Is everything in the place that it should be? No, of course not. But, I’m not worried about it anymore. I know that everything will be alright. I have the life, passion, and strength that has carried me through this life thus far, and I know that I can make it through just about anything at this point. What other choice do I have anyways?  And while I’ve spent a lot of time lately being just downright depressed and angry at the world and at myself for ‘not getting anywhere in life’ – I have missed the big picture. And I know that I’ve been missing the big picture… it’s just hard when you are so down, to be able to realize FUCKING GET OVER IT.

Albeit new, I am in the best, and healthiest relationship I have ever been in.  There are no words for the happiness and fulfillment that I have pouring out of me. You see in me what I want to be. But you already believe it, so why shouldn’t I ?  Sometimes all you need is someone to show you just who you really are. With the amazement at what I have before my eyes, & the knowing that I do deserve this.. I am the luckiest girl in the fucking world.  Truly.

And while I know who I am, I have lost touch with that confidence and knowing that I had started to get such a good hook on. I have been holding myself back from getting a job. I still haven’t found the exact reason or cause as to why… but I know that it’s been my self-doubt and victimizing (as much as I hate it, we all do it sometimes) that has been holding me up in my head and pulling me from my heart.

And it hits me.  The world isn’t holding me back. So what about a criminal record?!  If someone wants to judge me for a mistake I made and take full responsibility for, then do it. JUDGE ME. Because I know, that you are just judging yourself. And I have compassion for you.  And who gives a fuck that I couldn’t make it doing telesales?! I can’t be good at everything. And who needs to work in a fucked up, un-empowering, empty place of ‘work?’ No one needs to be in an environment like that.

So  while I realize that shitty things happen. They happen all the time.. BEAUTIFUL masterpieces of art happen before our eyes every single day.  No matter how big or how small any moment is, be grateful that you were there to witness it. Embrace the fiery god/goddess that is within you and fucking own every goddamn day like you have never lived before.  There is a whole lot of passion building up in me to do something amazing, I’m just waiting for the bus to hit me.

///////end.rant.

Too Many Forks in the Road.

Lately I have been seriously thinking about my future. About my life. Where I want it to go, where it has been, what I have done. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, and would be very fulfilled doing. But I'm starting to think that being a massage therapist just isn't one of them. 


One of the many things that I have learned at SWIHA is that it's okay to change your mind. But, I still feel like I shouldn't. I mean, I am pretty close to being done with my program. And I don't want my family to think I failed again and can't even finish a one year program. And I would make good money as an LMT, why would I not do it. SO many thoughts are zooming in and out of my brain and it's starting to drive me a bit nuts. 

The thing is, I don't want to do something that I don't want to do. And I feel a little stupid coming this far and beginning to come to the conclusion that I don't think I want to me a massage therapist anymore. I mean.. I am going to have to get a place of my own soon, it would be stupid to not finish my massage stuff. But that's the thing... I started wanting to do massage because 1) It would've been a gateway to people for the other modalities that I practice and 2) I would make great money, especially if I worked for myself. 


The latter is not a good main reason to do something. What I want to do is HELP PEOPLE. But not in that sense. I know massage is great for people, and very beneficial & therapeutic .. but it just isn't the way I imagined myself helping others. Especially because I want to help people mostly with addiction problems. I want to write books, have groups, teach... things like that. I just lost sight of what it was I really wanted to do because being an LMT is really great in a monetary sense. That just isn't enough for me. 


Another thing that I am reminded of constantly is that my body can't handle it. Even reflexology sessions at the HIV center, which is 3 back-to-back sessions totally kills me. My hands, wrists, elbows - are just what hurt the most during sessions. I just feel like there are all the signs being flaunted in m face that this just isn't where I need to be. I feel like an idiot saying anything though.. because then what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don't think so.. but everyone else probably does. And while I ultimately don't care if someone else thinks that I am wasting my time, it just sucks to feel like other people think you failed. 


I know that finding out what you want to do with your life is not easy. And most people just get too scared to say "I just don't feel it" and they continue doing something that doesn't make them happy. Since I have started my massage classes at SWIHA I have been waiting for the day that I just feel it all click, and I know that this is something that I am soo great at. I mean, I am good at it. I know that I am. But, it's just not my thing. It was never my thing. I never wanted it to be something I did my entire life in the first place. Just something to add to my list. But, I don't think I even want it on my list at all. There are so many other things that I grow more and more passion for every day, if massage can't hold my interest, why am I going to pay to learn about it? 


Again, I just feel stupid. I feel like I'm making excuses or whatever. But I'm not. I wonder if I can change my program and just do the Yoga Nidra or something. I don't know. I just can't get into it. Everyone else around me absolutely loves it. And I do. It's a great tool to have for my friends and family. But, it doesn't fit. I don't feel bad about thinking that, there is nothing wrong with realizing that massage isn't my calling. I want to help people more directly, in a more psychological way. There are other people that will go much further than I will with massage. It's theirs, not mine. 


Rant over. 

& As it Rushes in.& As I feel it. &&& Now.

I have come to a revelation. Well, more of just a thought that has really struck my interest - about my emotions and feelings. I have been from one extreme to the other when it comes to dealing with a break-up, finding a new job, being sad - any feeling.
 I have gone from: 
1. Being a girl with too much to deal with and wanting to run away from it all. 
2. Running from it all, and then some. And staying in the lost abyss of no emotion for years. 
3. Climbing out of that bottomless empty black hole, and being thrust back into society with so much feeling (much more than I had in the beginning) and having to learn all over again what it is like to be a human.
As I have gone through my life, day by day in the past year - a lot has changed for me, anyone would agree. I am now sober, I am no longer in my romantic relationship with Danny, I am almost done with school, I have no car, I'm living at home again with my mother ( :] ), and the biggest change for me (and being sober of course) is the way I feel and emote. 


Now to me it can either be a blessing or a curse. Much like my strong empathic abilities. It can be positive or negative. I choose to see it as positive most of the time, but it's not always easy to deal. Even for someone who has never done drugs or anything. Being a functioning person isn't easy - people get hurt. It's life. It happens. I have accepted that. But I find the positive aspect in the fact that I FEEL. Rather than just being a little frustrated if something isn't working for me.. I get really frustrated. But at the same time, instead of just being happy to spend time with a friend or my family - I feel so much happiness. I cry A LOT more. And I used to cry all the time! But it's not always because of sadness/anger/frustration. Happiness and Love deserve some credit for my tears as well.


I came to this realization the other day. I was having a pretty unfavorable day.  I kept beginning to cry at the littlest things. I don't do this all the time. But I have my days where I just have so much feeling that is bursting through my veins, my body, my heart - rather than heroin lol - that I just have to release it in some way (i.e. crying,laughing, journaling, yelling) - whatever it may be. So I kept crying little bit but I was holding it all in. I wasn't at home, I was with friends. So by the end of the day.
 And by end of the day, I mean like 4:00 AM, my body was tired - but so restless. I was awake, and wanted nothing more than to just sleep. I was just not in a very good state of mind. And then came the panic attacks. I couldn't help it. I was trying to hold my breath, shove my face in the pillow, something - to keep me from waking anyone up. I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like the warmth in my body had left me, and was replaced with this dank feeling of despair and defection. 


I was just crying and crying, not very often to I pour so many tears out of my eyes in such a short time. I was hyperventilating, sweating, and just sad. I have been feeling very depressed lately. And for the most part - for no reason in particular. I have been feeling lonely, sad, and just all these teeny tiny inklings have been spiraling into these huge monsters in my head. I have been obsessing over mostly things that aren't even true. I have been causing myself grief that is most certainly unnecessary. But I can't help it. I just need to learn how to control it and handle it. 


I finally calmed down. I talked to a friend for a few minutes until I felt better. I was finally able to sleep after getting some of the things that have been helplessly trapped in my mind out in the open. But I still feel this cloud of depression over me. The most I can do for it is just be grateful that I'm feeling it in the first place. There are people that get sober, and don't gain back their feelings. They continue to shy away from them, and prefer to stay an empty, hollow shell. But I don't want that. I want for feel alive. Whatever emotions come with that - so be it. I have bad days, which aren't so fun - but I have good days too. And great days. I even have some One-of-the-Best-Days-of-my-Life days. And that makes it all worth it .


I realized that when I do have my panic attacks, it is usually when I have been feeling a lot lately and stuffing it away. I know how important it is to let your feelings out, but it is still hard for me. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Anger is the most difficult feeling for me to be able to let out, show, or feel. If I get angry about something I feel ashamed, or wrong for feeling that way. I am such a nice person who is never mean to anyone really. It is rare. (There are the handful of people who have seen me really angry -it's scary). So when I do get mad about something, I don't want anyone or even myself to think that I'm anything short of a sweetheart. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express. But it is. I'm trying to work on it, but it will take some time. 
Anyways... these panic attacks always come on when I have been stuffing and stuffing my feelings. And then out of nowhere I just explode. It is almost ALWAYS in a random place and time. At school while watching a movie, while washing my hands, while driving, or when going to bed - those are a few examples of places I've been when having panic attacks lately. I get them a lot  more than I used to. They are also  much more intense as well. I cry, hyperventilate,shake,collapse,etc. much worse than even before. They are filled with emotions down to the very last word or tear. 


So I have made the rather interesting connection. I feel SO much now, and I don't know if it is because I didn't feel anything for so long.. But that is a safe assumption. I am extremely thankful for all of these feelings that I have now, even if it is a lot to handle some of the time. It's all just part of the journey. And I am choosing to see it as a very positive piece of my path. I am now not just a person who has been through some shit, and has more shit to go through in the future. I am a young woman with this insatiable, strong, passion for life with my heart pouring out of my pores and all my love being given to the world. 


Happy New Years to Everyone. It is going to be a FABULOUS, ExCitINGGG, Lovely, and a deeply delicious 2012. I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. And I don't wish it to be any different. I hope this year is amazing. <3

Screw Up.Live.Love.Lose.Learn.Grow.

I know that I haven't posted anything for a while... I almost have a million times. But I just don't for some reason.  Emotionally I have been going through a lot lately. Since my last blog post I have successfully completed 18 months of probation, had my felony dropped to a misdemeanor, made it to 11 months clean, & have gone through a lot of little shifts and changes. 


    In nine days I will have been clean for one year. Now, it was made apparent to me that there are people who think that I am not. But, I don't care. Being clean is what it means for me. It is my life and my body after all. I don't spend hours a day slamming lethal doses of heroin into my arms, or smoke way too much meth, or do way too much cocaine anymore. I'm not past it, I'm far from it, but I'm getting there. The methadone has helped me more than I ever thought it could or would. And I know there's people that think I am not clean because I go to a methadone clinic, but you know what... it has been the most successful way to help keep me off the heroin. 
    It does scare me to think about when I am done with the methadone... It kills my cravings now, but what about when I stop? People who stay in a methadone treatment program for at least 3 years have the most success with staying sober. But unless I get a job soon, it is so much of a struggle to pay for it. Plus there's the fact that it is still clouding my aura, and my energetic field. Not much,  because it is helping me. But it still does. Highly intuitive people notice it right away. They notice the drugs in my past, and they sense something that is still there ... which is the methadone. 


     The methadone isn't the only thing holding me back. There are a lot of things, and most of which are consequences that I have to deal with as a result of the choices that I have made in the past. Which I am okay with, but it's still hard not to get down about it sometimes. I hate being so dependent on other people as often as I am. I am 21 years old.. I should have a car, and a job, and bills that I am able to pay. I envy people who have bills, and rent, and car payments.. because I don't have that. And I don't have that because I simply can't. 
     I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking people for help when you need it, but I just feel like I am in the way all the time. I can't see friends unless they pick me up or I take the bus which I don't always have the money for.  I hate relying on others so much, because it's not really a choice that I have. I can't get my life back on track on my own. And I know that, I knew that before I got clean. But, I didn't think it would go this slow, take this long, and that I would need THIS much help. It just makes me feel a little pathetic... Other people can get a job fine. I have applied for over 60 jobs in the last month and a half. I have no chance of getting a car anytime soon. I just feel so stuck. I hate it. I just feel like I am always in the way. Like people feel obligated to help me. I'll get over it. I know that they don't feel that way, at least I hope not. But it's hard not to think that way sometimes. 


     My grandmother got me a personalized astrology reading, Edgar Cayce's A.R.E. (Association for Research & Enlightenment) report. I have two already. I have one that that is a Karmic Insight Report, one on past lives, and my newest on is on Opportunities. These reports are fantastic. I don't know a whole lot about the specifics of astrology, but it sure does fascinate me. There are of course a few things here and there that may not quite fit with me. But for the most part 98% of these things are dead on. 


    I was reading up on my Karmic Insight Report this morning. Every time I reread one of these readings, I gain so much new information because there is just so much to them. A lot of things were really put into perspective for me and really got me thinking about my life; the girl I grew up as, and the person I have grown into now. I just want to share a few little pieces of it. 


     "On an emotional level, it is very hard for you to admit that you have needs, or that you need other people. Early in this life (and quite possibly stemming from past incarnations as well) you discovered it felt safer for you to detach yourself emotionally and to be self-sufficient." ----> Now this is in relation to my moon, which is in Aquarius. The placement of the moon is indicative of karmic tendencies, (positive + negative) that one carries from past incarnated experiences on Earth. 
  That is a statement that gave a lot of perspective. Of course it is stuff I probably already knew, subconsciously or something, but it may as well be new information to me. Like I was just saying in previous paragraphs, asking for help is something I can and will do. But it is not easy. I get so emotionally tied to things, that when I ask for help I get scared. Scared that someone will think I'm stupid for asking, or that they won't care about the fact that I need help, or who knows that else. But it's definitely a huge problem for me that I obviously really need to work on because it is most likely stemming from a previous incarnation. I was never taught that asking for help is wrong, or bad.. I have just always felt uncomfortable about it. I know at least one thing I will be working on in the new year!


     "You have great compassion and sympathetic feelings for those suffering or in pain, whether physical or emotional, for you are no stranger to it yourself. ... In love, it is the possibility of loss or betrayal that intensifies the experience for you. Put simply - you do not accept anything at face value, you instinctively know that there is a dark underside for every light surface. Understanding this shadowy side is a key to fulfilling your life purpose."  Anyone that knows me of course knows that I have had my fair share of suffering and pain and thinking my life is totally over. And because of that, and my ability to see things for what they really are rather than what I wish them to be, or what society thinks it 'should' be - I can have a fairly objective view of the world. That is what helps make me so good at helping others. I have an insight that comes from every side of the table. I can see all around, under, through, and inside of things. I know what is, what could be, and what never was with a lot of things. I don't know why I see things in such a peculiar light - but it is a light nevertheless. I think that I really need to just delve RIGHT INTO exploring & embracing the shadow of life. If I want to help others successfully, this would be a tool of vital importance and phenomenal potential for growth and learning. 


This following statement is the one that really stood out at me whilst I was reading... " A really loving intimate relationship can be tremendously healing for you also, especially if you allow your partner to see who you really are, including those aspects of yourself you usually hide and consider ugly and unacceptable. Being unconditionally accepted by another may be the first step toward embracing your own 'darkness', which will be a lifelong lesson for you. The fairy tale perhaps most relevant to this task is 'Beauty & the Beast'. Rather than rejecting your beastliness (negativity, fear, or not-beautiful emotions or impulses) you must learn to look at and lovingly accept them, thus, transforming yourself. Ultimately is is those who have struggled with and come to terms with their darkness who are able to bring light, understanding and healing to others who suffer, and this is part of your life's purpose. 
     This paragraph is pretty self explanatory. And also very true. I change who I am around people so that I don't step on toes, and so that I don't deter people. Not that I think I really would anyways... but who knows. There are things that I don't necessarily 'like' about myself per se, and there are certain people (esp those I am in romantic relationships with) that I try to hide those things as long as I can, or change them. It is probably one of the hardest things as humans for us to just accept and follow through with. It to understand that you shouldn't have to change or suppress any single thing about yourself  in order to appease or impress any other person. If they don't like or care for that quality... and try to change it... and they shouldn't be in your life. A person that truly cares for another accepts them as who they are. 
   I have just always felt so different my entire life that I always felt, and still do, that people don't like me. Or that they just like everyone else much more than me. I struggle with it every single day and sometimes it really eats away at me. I'm a lot better.. At least I have self confidence now. But it's still hard when I just don't have relationships and friendships like other people have. At least I don't feel that way. But perhaps it is just simply my perception that is distorted and I need to find out where and fix it. It is so hard for me to get really close to other people when I think that they don't really care for me. Who knows. 


I have reached my rambling limit for the day. This post has probably gotten way too long. But it feels a lot better to actually verbalize a lot of my feelings. I could honestly just sit here and type for hours and hours. I have so much feeling from suppressing it for so long. I love it and hate it at the same time. I am grateful to have feelings, and to want to feel emotions. But it's hard. OH, life. 




<3

Where Have You Been All My Life?

      As I was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette in the lovely weather… and I just noticed how beautiful everything is. How sensationally delectable life truly is. It is so colourful, and just absolutely amazing how every little fiber of all that exists comes together to create this enigmatic, immaculate, amazing place.

          I was walking around in this big, huge world for so long seeing everything as awful. Most of it I wasn’t even really seeing at all.  I was lost in only seeing the money in my pocket, and how/when I would next be feeling that rush going into my veins. I wasted so much time, and I missed so much. I was always hot, or cold, or feeling like shit, or whatever my excuse was for never doing anything. I spent day after day abhorring everything. I lost so many friends. I lost my way. I lost myself.

          However, the beauty of it all is that I am so thankful I have lost those things. I’m so glad that I was in such a terrible place for so long, that I saw everything in gray. There is not one thing that I did or that happened that I ever take back. For without it, I may not see things in the way I do now. I would not have the magnetism, and happiness I do now.

          I do not always have good days. In fact, I have a lot of bad days. And that is something I can thank post-acute withdrawal syndrome for. I will still wake up and be fatigued, or depressed, or anxious for a given amount of time here and there for up to two years. I’m glad that I discovered about it, because I was previously unaware as to why I’ve been having such crazy roller coaster days. But now that I have identified the problem, I can move forward with it rather than being angry about it.

          But even still, when I’m having a bad day… I can still find the light in it all. I can still smile, and see the good in everything even if I just had a panic attack in the bathroom or whatever it may be. I can bounce back from being down, and beam right up again. I can completely notice a difference in my personality based singly on the fact of how people act around me. I see how much people are telling me how happy I am, and just how sunshiney-faerie-like I am. It makes me happy that others notice a difference in me. It’s nice. Food even tastes soo much better. I have more fun. I enjoy much more.

          I find myself constantly trying to find the positive, and light in everything. When someone has a problem I am there to help, instead of seeing what’s in it for me or trying to run away because I don’t want to spend the time I could spend getting high on doing something for someone else. Which isn’t even really ME at all. I can feel the light inside me that wasn’t there previously. Even before I started using, I didn’t glow like I do now. I still had so many doubts attributed to my self-esteem, friends, fitting in, blahblahblah. So many things got me down. But I have encompassed the act of self love, and understanding that I am a beautiful person – whether you think I am or not, because beauty does not come from peer approval. It truly does come from within yourself. 

          Now, not only do I see myself for the beautiful eccentric person that I am. But the world for all of it’s beauty, and synchronicity. It’s breathtaking just to sit in the autumn air and simply, be.

Thank you heroin, for showing me how amazingly beautiful life is without you.  

Dreary Mondays and Tuesday Tuesdays

     I don’t know what it was about this Monday (yesterday) in particular. Or if it was even the fact that it was a Monday at all. But I didn’t ‘fit’ all day. Something was off, and I didn’t care for it much at all. I felt as if my mind was somehow taking a backseat, and was watching from inside - but couldn’t express anything. I felt so trapped within myself. .. But I don’t know why. I haven’t been consciously negative or uneasy about anything much lately. At least anything that would easily explain the way I was feeling. It was just a very obscure Monday. I was very obsessive/compulsive all day, and it was awful. I kept getting stuck in patterns, and getting irritated over certain things not being a certain way. It’s like for some reason deep down my body feels like things are going the wrong way but it can’t say/do anything about the situation, and then proceeds to take it out on me in various ways. I don’t know if that makes much of any sense at all... but I feel I need to at least express it in a way that I can understand so I can just get it out there. I haven’t even been in an icky mood or anything. But for some odd reason I just. don’t.want.to…

      I am constantly shifting back and forth from one extreme of wanting to do.do.do. and go.go.go and having all this creativity, and things I want to do, and things I want to get done, and people I want to see, etc etc. And then out of nowhere I completely flip to having no energy, not wanting to do anything, kind of hating everything, all I want to do is sit and smoke and watch Buffy. I don’t know what is causing these massive shifts in my state of being, but aside from the fact that it’s interesting – it kinda blows. I know that my attitude greatly affects how I perceive everything to be. And that if I don’t have a good attitude about what is going on around me then blahblahblah. But .. I’m not choosing to have a certain attitude/feelings about things. They are just happening to me. All of a sudden I feel really uncomfortable/stand-offish/anxious about absolutely nothing at all, or about say.. my breakfast. Totally weird.   

      I am going through massive shifts of change in my life lately. I suppose that could be a viable reason for all of this craziness going on inside my head&heart. Whatever it is it, most definitely is crazy. I am getting very emotionally involved in things that I shouldn’t be, and then it is causing hurt on my part because then, I also read way too much into things and end up going through this never ending awful circle of- nothing short of madness. I need to find a way to slow my mind down, and be much more mindful when I think about things. I just get going so fast in my head that I can hardly keep up with myself. It is a constant struggle. And it’s something that I have to get used to again, and learn how to control because the drugs mellowed it out. Well, I was so fucked up and not even in my body for so long that it didn’t really matter because I didn’t pay much attention to what I was thinking anyways. Other than, ‘Need money. Need drugs. “   I didn’t even move at a quick pace, like I always have my whole life. Because I didn’t care where or what or who I needed to be, I just needed my dope and life was grand. And while I knew deep down that it sure as fuck wasn’t ‘grand’ at all, I still liked to wear the façade like it was. I like to think that I looked normal, and pretty, and generally not like a junkie to the outside world. But those were understandings of mine that were being sickly portrayed. And it’s sad to think about… how awfully pathetic I felt a decent amount of the time. And even now from time to time; when someone still won’t give me credit for how far I’ve come, and they make assumptions based on their ignorant lack of knowledge and closed mind.

      I want to find the strength that I know I have to just. be. I mean, I know that I am already doing that. But I’m not being completely, 100% how I want to be. I am getting there that’s for sure! I have started to quit smoking, I am down to less than 50% of what I was smoking every day. AND my toes have changed (toe reading)! I have apparently started listening to spirit and what it has to say to me which is a very good thing.

     All of this living that I’m doing is going to be much better than it ever has been before. And I want you to be right there with me. 

WhatDoIDoWithAllOfThis?Thoughts.Thoughts.Thoughts.

     Lately my anxiety has been much higher than it has ever been. There have been huge shifts in my life recently, and although my stress was pretty awful before all the changes, it’s still not any easier. I’m deeply really struggling between fully knowing I deserve all that’s going on and feeling inconvenient for always needing someone else’s help. That is one of the hardest parts about my sobriety - Is that, I haven’t been on my own two feet (clean) long enough to be completely self-sufficient and I am almost in constant need of a ride somewhere, or help with something. One of my best friends pointed out that “You’re not an inconvenience. You’re worth driving to wherever you need to go. The difference between you and most other people is that you’re actually trying, and need help. You’re not using people.”

          And while I know that I am trying, and I’m clean, and I’m not using anyone... it’s hard when I have to be taken everywhere. It’s hard not to feel like a bother to anybody. I know my perceptions are distorted, but I can’t help read too much into things and obsess over them. That is just how my mind works..and it causes very unnecessary stress.

           I try to keep my anxiety to myself as often as I can, but I’ve been having at least one panic attack a week, if not two…it’s driving me crazy. I feel like, ‘who wants to be around someone that freaks out all the time?’ I know I can’t help it, when the attacks happen. But it’s weird. I’m not negative or anything, I’m just very easily overwhelmed lately.

It’s hard to fully understand that I deserve everything that I’m working towards when I’ve fucked up so much in the past. My best friend’s son, who absolutely means soo much to me, doesn’t know who I am because I disappeared for so long while I was using. And it really hurts. I hate seeing what all I’ve missed out on, and can’t fix because of my mistakes. And I KNOW it’s just my past, and that it’s over and now is the present… but it’s much easier said than done.

           I am finding it very difficult to just deal lately. When I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, I have panic attacks, and cry and hate it. I get so uncomfortable. It’s so hard to allow feelings and unwanted situations when I used to just get high. Instead of being uncomfortable and anxious, I would stick a needle in my arm... And forget about having to be somewhere or be someone for the time being. I know it’s been 8 months, but with all the changes going on its bringing up a lot of stress & fear and my OCD is getting harder to deal with. I know that in order to grow and evolve I must endure the discomfort. It’s necessary, otherwise I’ll never change. I know that everything I want to achieve I won’t get by sitting around high… or even sitting around sober. Heroin is the last thing on my mind. But, I’m still not forgetting how much simpler things were when I didn’t do anything but heroin. I don’t want to return to that, but it’s a rough adjustment. I’m very thankful however, that I waited until I had this much clean time to start changing so much and that I didn’t go get a job and everything right away 8 months ago.

           I don’t even know what I am rambling about really. I know how I feel, and I know how I need to do things. But it’s just not easy. And I don’t want it to be easy; I want to know that I worked hard for everything that I get. I’m already getting so much satisfaction out of all the work I’ve been doing. And I can’t wait until I just accomplish more, and more. Even with all the anxiety and everything, I am finally in a space where I want to be.