I have come to a revelation. Well, more of just a thought that has really struck my interest - about my emotions and feelings. I have been from one extreme to the other when it comes to dealing with a break-up, finding a new job, being sad - any feeling.
I have gone from:
1. Being a girl with too much to deal with and wanting to run away from it all.
2. Running from it all, and then some. And staying in the lost abyss of no emotion for years.
3. Climbing out of that bottomless empty black hole, and being thrust back into society with so much feeling (much more than I had in the beginning) and having to learn all over again what it is like to be a human.
As I have gone through my life, day by day in the past year - a lot has changed for me, anyone would agree. I am now sober, I am no longer in my romantic relationship with Danny, I am almost done with school, I have no car, I'm living at home again with my mother ( :] ), and the biggest change for me (and being sober of course) is the way I feel and emote.
Now to me it can either be a blessing or a curse. Much like my strong empathic abilities. It can be positive or negative. I choose to see it as positive most of the time, but it's not always easy to deal. Even for someone who has never done drugs or anything. Being a functioning person isn't easy - people get hurt. It's life. It happens. I have accepted that. But I find the positive aspect in the fact that I FEEL. Rather than just being a little frustrated if something isn't working for me.. I get really frustrated. But at the same time, instead of just being happy to spend time with a friend or my family - I feel so much happiness. I cry A LOT more. And I used to cry all the time! But it's not always because of sadness/anger/frustration. Happiness and Love deserve some credit for my tears as well.
I came to this realization the other day. I was having a pretty unfavorable day. I kept beginning to cry at the littlest things. I don't do this all the time. But I have my days where I just have so much feeling that is bursting through my veins, my body, my heart - rather than heroin lol - that I just have to release it in some way (i.e. crying,laughing, journaling, yelling) - whatever it may be. So I kept crying little bit but I was holding it all in. I wasn't at home, I was with friends. So by the end of the day.
And by end of the day, I mean like 4:00 AM, my body was tired - but so restless. I was awake, and wanted nothing more than to just sleep. I was just not in a very good state of mind. And then came the panic attacks. I couldn't help it. I was trying to hold my breath, shove my face in the pillow, something - to keep me from waking anyone up. I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like the warmth in my body had left me, and was replaced with this dank feeling of despair and defection.
I was just crying and crying, not very often to I pour so many tears out of my eyes in such a short time. I was hyperventilating, sweating, and just sad. I have been feeling very depressed lately. And for the most part - for no reason in particular. I have been feeling lonely, sad, and just all these teeny tiny inklings have been spiraling into these huge monsters in my head. I have been obsessing over mostly things that aren't even true. I have been causing myself grief that is most certainly unnecessary. But I can't help it. I just need to learn how to control it and handle it.
I finally calmed down. I talked to a friend for a few minutes until I felt better. I was finally able to sleep after getting some of the things that have been helplessly trapped in my mind out in the open. But I still feel this cloud of depression over me. The most I can do for it is just be grateful that I'm feeling it in the first place. There are people that get sober, and don't gain back their feelings. They continue to shy away from them, and prefer to stay an empty, hollow shell. But I don't want that. I want for feel alive. Whatever emotions come with that - so be it. I have bad days, which aren't so fun - but I have good days too. And great days. I even have some One-of-the-Best-Days-of-my-Life days. And that makes it all worth it .
I realized that when I do have my panic attacks, it is usually when I have been feeling a lot lately and stuffing it away. I know how important it is to let your feelings out, but it is still hard for me. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Anger is the most difficult feeling for me to be able to let out, show, or feel. If I get angry about something I feel ashamed, or wrong for feeling that way. I am such a nice person who is never mean to anyone really. It is rare. (There are the handful of people who have seen me really angry -it's scary). So when I do get mad about something, I don't want anyone or even myself to think that I'm anything short of a sweetheart. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express. But it is. I'm trying to work on it, but it will take some time.
Anyways... these panic attacks always come on when I have been stuffing and stuffing my feelings. And then out of nowhere I just explode. It is almost ALWAYS in a random place and time. At school while watching a movie, while washing my hands, while driving, or when going to bed - those are a few examples of places I've been when having panic attacks lately. I get them a lot more than I used to. They are also much more intense as well. I cry, hyperventilate,shake,collapse,etc. much worse than even before. They are filled with emotions down to the very last word or tear.
So I have made the rather interesting connection. I feel SO much now, and I don't know if it is because I didn't feel anything for so long.. But that is a safe assumption. I am extremely thankful for all of these feelings that I have now, even if it is a lot to handle some of the time. It's all just part of the journey. And I am choosing to see it as a very positive piece of my path. I am now not just a person who has been through some shit, and has more shit to go through in the future. I am a young woman with this insatiable, strong, passion for life with my heart pouring out of my pores and all my love being given to the world.
Happy New Years to Everyone. It is going to be a FABULOUS, ExCitINGGG, Lovely, and a deeply delicious 2012. I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. And I don't wish it to be any different. I hope this year is amazing. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment