Lately I have been seriously thinking about my future. About my life. Where I want it to go, where it has been, what I have done. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, and would be very fulfilled doing. But I'm starting to think that being a massage therapist just isn't one of them.
One of the many things that I have learned at SWIHA is that it's okay to change your mind. But, I still feel like I shouldn't. I mean, I am pretty close to being done with my program. And I don't want my family to think I failed again and can't even finish a one year program. And I would make good money as an LMT, why would I not do it. SO many thoughts are zooming in and out of my brain and it's starting to drive me a bit nuts.
The thing is, I don't want to do something that I don't want to do. And I feel a little stupid coming this far and beginning to come to the conclusion that I don't think I want to me a massage therapist anymore. I mean.. I am going to have to get a place of my own soon, it would be stupid to not finish my massage stuff. But that's the thing... I started wanting to do massage because 1) It would've been a gateway to people for the other modalities that I practice and 2) I would make great money, especially if I worked for myself.
The latter is not a good main reason to do something. What I want to do is HELP PEOPLE. But not in that sense. I know massage is great for people, and very beneficial & therapeutic .. but it just isn't the way I imagined myself helping others. Especially because I want to help people mostly with addiction problems. I want to write books, have groups, teach... things like that. I just lost sight of what it was I really wanted to do because being an LMT is really great in a monetary sense. That just isn't enough for me.
Another thing that I am reminded of constantly is that my body can't handle it. Even reflexology sessions at the HIV center, which is 3 back-to-back sessions totally kills me. My hands, wrists, elbows - are just what hurt the most during sessions. I just feel like there are all the signs being flaunted in m face that this just isn't where I need to be. I feel like an idiot saying anything though.. because then what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don't think so.. but everyone else probably does. And while I ultimately don't care if someone else thinks that I am wasting my time, it just sucks to feel like other people think you failed.
I know that finding out what you want to do with your life is not easy. And most people just get too scared to say "I just don't feel it" and they continue doing something that doesn't make them happy. Since I have started my massage classes at SWIHA I have been waiting for the day that I just feel it all click, and I know that this is something that I am soo great at. I mean, I am good at it. I know that I am. But, it's just not my thing. It was never my thing. I never wanted it to be something I did my entire life in the first place. Just something to add to my list. But, I don't think I even want it on my list at all. There are so many other things that I grow more and more passion for every day, if massage can't hold my interest, why am I going to pay to learn about it?
Again, I just feel stupid. I feel like I'm making excuses or whatever. But I'm not. I wonder if I can change my program and just do the Yoga Nidra or something. I don't know. I just can't get into it. Everyone else around me absolutely loves it. And I do. It's a great tool to have for my friends and family. But, it doesn't fit. I don't feel bad about thinking that, there is nothing wrong with realizing that massage isn't my calling. I want to help people more directly, in a more psychological way. There are other people that will go much further than I will with massage. It's theirs, not mine.
Rant over.
Same way here, honey. There's so much processing to do with massage therapy for people as sensitive as I am. From what you've written, the same seems to hold true for you. The massage part and basic curiculum brings sooooo much stuff up within me that seems to be only covered by serious spiritual workings and education that I get filled in by the Universe at its own pace. I want to reassign my program to the Body Mind Wellness with the focus on Spiritual Studies, cause that is where I have ALWAYS been this life and many previous ones. Since I am on academic probation I am unable to do that and I aboslutley am aware that if I go and take a pathology course my cohesiveness will shatter; I have many response abilities to deliver and facilitate from many, MANY lives all culminating here and now. I'm gonna let those shine and Trust the rust flowing through these veins is pulsing with Truth and Divinity regardless of what may come to me throughout the days.
ReplyDeleteRelax through, you're just around the corner from completing it and that will bring something unimaginable (right now) into your life that'll compliment what you've put into play and placing within your Lifestream. There's much more for you than massage and you're getting It.
Spitting out real talk.
ReplyDeleteAshton... I believe it was nothing short of a mirical and for me a blessing that we bumped into each other at my hardware store. The odds that you could come in as i was coming back from shoveling cookies in my face at incredible rates could not be much better than me winning the lottery.
That being said, that fact that we were both sober at that moment just makes it that more amazing and enjoyable. I understand that we took different avanues to achive sobriety but both of us were in a dark secluded portion of existance not too many have to endure. The fact that your sober as you write this should come into your mind. Look at what you are confused about; your career path. You have a career path again. That is something i never would have imagined for myself. I dont know what the curriculum at SWIHA looks like, but ASMT was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Despite the exponentially large student loan i am still paying back (with no carrer as a practicing LMT) I dont regret my decision to go one bit. It taught me so much about the human body which interests me just as much as the recovery process of a drug addict. The two can piggy back information off of each other as well. A rehabilitation clinic known as Riversource avoids detox medication if possible and substitues massage therapy in place of it. They also have an incredible success rate. I chose to walk away from that career for the same reasons you mentioned. 1) the life expectancy of a lmt's career is 2 years. after that they are to mangled to continute to practice. 2) i just didnt click. I understood, I had great confidence in my work. But i didn't enjoy actually doing it like the others around me were...
Its all symantics. None of what I just said matters. This is your story doll. You need to make decisions you feel comfortable with. Dont worry about doing things to please others or you will never be happy with your own story.
At the end of the day your stuck with only your reflection. Be proud of who you are. Live with the consiquences of your mistakes. Never regret a bad decision, learn from it. Your time is limited. Stay hungry. Stay foolish.
I miss your face kiddo. Hit me up!