Amazement.

So after spending the last several months writing blogs, and then forgetting to upload them when I can make it to an internet connection I am finally sitting down and spilling out my jumbled thoughts onto this screen. I almost need it, just so I can visually see the crazyness that is in my head (good crazy).

The last several months have been a serious emotional roller coaster for me. Not so much a roller coaster, as perhaps riding on the back of a manic depressive dragon. Yes, that is more like it. A dragon. :]

And while I could spend all this time thinking about every little thing that has happened – good, bad, weird, empty, shitty, etc.. I know what I have gained from all of this and the light is starting to force it’s way through, and soon there shall be not a spot of obscure darkness in my path. It’s my time. FUCKING finally.

Is everything in the place that it should be? No, of course not. But, I’m not worried about it anymore. I know that everything will be alright. I have the life, passion, and strength that has carried me through this life thus far, and I know that I can make it through just about anything at this point. What other choice do I have anyways?  And while I’ve spent a lot of time lately being just downright depressed and angry at the world and at myself for ‘not getting anywhere in life’ – I have missed the big picture. And I know that I’ve been missing the big picture… it’s just hard when you are so down, to be able to realize FUCKING GET OVER IT.

Albeit new, I am in the best, and healthiest relationship I have ever been in.  There are no words for the happiness and fulfillment that I have pouring out of me. You see in me what I want to be. But you already believe it, so why shouldn’t I ?  Sometimes all you need is someone to show you just who you really are. With the amazement at what I have before my eyes, & the knowing that I do deserve this.. I am the luckiest girl in the fucking world.  Truly.

And while I know who I am, I have lost touch with that confidence and knowing that I had started to get such a good hook on. I have been holding myself back from getting a job. I still haven’t found the exact reason or cause as to why… but I know that it’s been my self-doubt and victimizing (as much as I hate it, we all do it sometimes) that has been holding me up in my head and pulling me from my heart.

And it hits me.  The world isn’t holding me back. So what about a criminal record?!  If someone wants to judge me for a mistake I made and take full responsibility for, then do it. JUDGE ME. Because I know, that you are just judging yourself. And I have compassion for you.  And who gives a fuck that I couldn’t make it doing telesales?! I can’t be good at everything. And who needs to work in a fucked up, un-empowering, empty place of ‘work?’ No one needs to be in an environment like that.

So  while I realize that shitty things happen. They happen all the time.. BEAUTIFUL masterpieces of art happen before our eyes every single day.  No matter how big or how small any moment is, be grateful that you were there to witness it. Embrace the fiery god/goddess that is within you and fucking own every goddamn day like you have never lived before.  There is a whole lot of passion building up in me to do something amazing, I’m just waiting for the bus to hit me.

///////end.rant.