Lately my anxiety has been much higher than it has ever been. There have been huge shifts in my life recently, and although my stress was pretty awful before all the changes, it’s still not any easier. I’m deeply really struggling between fully knowing I deserve all that’s going on and feeling inconvenient for always needing someone else’s help. That is one of the hardest parts about my sobriety - Is that, I haven’t been on my own two feet (clean) long enough to be completely self-sufficient and I am almost in constant need of a ride somewhere, or help with something. One of my best friends pointed out that “You’re not an inconvenience. You’re worth driving to wherever you need to go. The difference between you and most other people is that you’re actually trying, and need help. You’re not using people.”
And while I know that I am trying, and I’m clean, and I’m not using anyone... it’s hard when I have to be taken everywhere. It’s hard not to feel like a bother to anybody. I know my perceptions are distorted, but I can’t help read too much into things and obsess over them. That is just how my mind works..and it causes very unnecessary stress.
I try to keep my anxiety to myself as often as I can, but I’ve been having at least one panic attack a week, if not two…it’s driving me crazy. I feel like, ‘who wants to be around someone that freaks out all the time?’ I know I can’t help it, when the attacks happen. But it’s weird. I’m not negative or anything, I’m just very easily overwhelmed lately.
It’s hard to fully understand that I deserve everything that I’m working towards when I’ve fucked up so much in the past. My best friend’s son, who absolutely means soo much to me, doesn’t know who I am because I disappeared for so long while I was using. And it really hurts. I hate seeing what all I’ve missed out on, and can’t fix because of my mistakes. And I KNOW it’s just my past, and that it’s over and now is the present… but it’s much easier said than done.
I am finding it very difficult to just deal lately. When I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, I have panic attacks, and cry and hate it. I get so uncomfortable. It’s so hard to allow feelings and unwanted situations when I used to just get high. Instead of being uncomfortable and anxious, I would stick a needle in my arm... And forget about having to be somewhere or be someone for the time being. I know it’s been 8 months, but with all the changes going on its bringing up a lot of stress & fear and my OCD is getting harder to deal with. I know that in order to grow and evolve I must endure the discomfort. It’s necessary, otherwise I’ll never change. I know that everything I want to achieve I won’t get by sitting around high… or even sitting around sober. Heroin is the last thing on my mind. But, I’m still not forgetting how much simpler things were when I didn’t do anything but heroin. I don’t want to return to that, but it’s a rough adjustment. I’m very thankful however, that I waited until I had this much clean time to start changing so much and that I didn’t go get a job and everything right away 8 months ago.
I don’t even know what I am rambling about really. I know how I feel, and I know how I need to do things. But it’s just not easy. And I don’t want it to be easy; I want to know that I worked hard for everything that I get. I’m already getting so much satisfaction out of all the work I’ve been doing. And I can’t wait until I just accomplish more, and more. Even with all the anxiety and everything, I am finally in a space where I want to be.
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