As I was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette in the lovely weather… and I just noticed how beautiful everything is. How sensationally delectable life truly is. It is so colourful, and just absolutely amazing how every little fiber of all that exists comes together to create this enigmatic, immaculate, amazing place.
I was walking around in this big, huge world for so long seeing everything as awful. Most of it I wasn’t even really seeing at all. I was lost in only seeing the money in my pocket, and how/when I would next be feeling that rush going into my veins. I wasted so much time, and I missed so much. I was always hot, or cold, or feeling like shit, or whatever my excuse was for never doing anything. I spent day after day abhorring everything. I lost so many friends. I lost my way. I lost myself.
However, the beauty of it all is that I am so thankful I have lost those things. I’m so glad that I was in such a terrible place for so long, that I saw everything in gray. There is not one thing that I did or that happened that I ever take back. For without it, I may not see things in the way I do now. I would not have the magnetism, and happiness I do now.
I do not always have good days. In fact, I have a lot of bad days. And that is something I can thank post-acute withdrawal syndrome for. I will still wake up and be fatigued, or depressed, or anxious for a given amount of time here and there for up to two years. I’m glad that I discovered about it, because I was previously unaware as to why I’ve been having such crazy roller coaster days. But now that I have identified the problem, I can move forward with it rather than being angry about it.
But even still, when I’m having a bad day… I can still find the light in it all. I can still smile, and see the good in everything even if I just had a panic attack in the bathroom or whatever it may be. I can bounce back from being down, and beam right up again. I can completely notice a difference in my personality based singly on the fact of how people act around me. I see how much people are telling me how happy I am, and just how sunshiney-faerie-like I am. It makes me happy that others notice a difference in me. It’s nice. Food even tastes soo much better. I have more fun. I enjoy much more.
I find myself constantly trying to find the positive, and light in everything. When someone has a problem I am there to help, instead of seeing what’s in it for me or trying to run away because I don’t want to spend the time I could spend getting high on doing something for someone else. Which isn’t even really ME at all. I can feel the light inside me that wasn’t there previously. Even before I started using, I didn’t glow like I do now. I still had so many doubts attributed to my self-esteem, friends, fitting in, blahblahblah. So many things got me down. But I have encompassed the act of self love, and understanding that I am a beautiful person – whether you think I am or not, because beauty does not come from peer approval. It truly does come from within yourself.
Now, not only do I see myself for the beautiful eccentric person that I am. But the world for all of it’s beauty, and synchronicity. It’s breathtaking just to sit in the autumn air and simply, be.
Thank you heroin, for showing me how amazingly beautiful life is without you.
