I know that I haven't posted anything for a while... I almost have a million times. But I just don't for some reason. Emotionally I have been going through a lot lately. Since my last blog post I have successfully completed 18 months of probation, had my felony dropped to a misdemeanor, made it to 11 months clean, & have gone through a lot of little shifts and changes.
In nine days I will have been clean for one year. Now, it was made apparent to me that there are people who think that I am not. But, I don't care. Being clean is what it means for me. It is my life and my body after all. I don't spend hours a day slamming lethal doses of heroin into my arms, or smoke way too much meth, or do way too much cocaine anymore. I'm not past it, I'm far from it, but I'm getting there. The methadone has helped me more than I ever thought it could or would. And I know there's people that think I am not clean because I go to a methadone clinic, but you know what... it has been the most successful way to help keep me off the heroin.
It does scare me to think about when I am done with the methadone... It kills my cravings now, but what about when I stop? People who stay in a methadone treatment program for at least 3 years have the most success with staying sober. But unless I get a job soon, it is so much of a struggle to pay for it. Plus there's the fact that it is still clouding my aura, and my energetic field. Not much, because it is helping me. But it still does. Highly intuitive people notice it right away. They notice the drugs in my past, and they sense something that is still there ... which is the methadone.
The methadone isn't the only thing holding me back. There are a lot of things, and most of which are consequences that I have to deal with as a result of the choices that I have made in the past. Which I am okay with, but it's still hard not to get down about it sometimes. I hate being so dependent on other people as often as I am. I am 21 years old.. I should have a car, and a job, and bills that I am able to pay. I envy people who have bills, and rent, and car payments.. because I don't have that. And I don't have that because I simply can't.
I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking people for help when you need it, but I just feel like I am in the way all the time. I can't see friends unless they pick me up or I take the bus which I don't always have the money for. I hate relying on others so much, because it's not really a choice that I have. I can't get my life back on track on my own. And I know that, I knew that before I got clean. But, I didn't think it would go this slow, take this long, and that I would need THIS much help. It just makes me feel a little pathetic... Other people can get a job fine. I have applied for over 60 jobs in the last month and a half. I have no chance of getting a car anytime soon. I just feel so stuck. I hate it. I just feel like I am always in the way. Like people feel obligated to help me. I'll get over it. I know that they don't feel that way, at least I hope not. But it's hard not to think that way sometimes.
My grandmother got me a personalized astrology reading, Edgar Cayce's A.R.E. (Association for Research & Enlightenment) report. I have two already. I have one that that is a Karmic Insight Report, one on past lives, and my newest on is on Opportunities. These reports are fantastic. I don't know a whole lot about the specifics of astrology, but it sure does fascinate me. There are of course a few things here and there that may not quite fit with me. But for the most part 98% of these things are dead on.
I was reading up on my Karmic Insight Report this morning. Every time I reread one of these readings, I gain so much new information because there is just so much to them. A lot of things were really put into perspective for me and really got me thinking about my life; the girl I grew up as, and the person I have grown into now. I just want to share a few little pieces of it.
"On an emotional level, it is very hard for you to admit that you have needs, or that you need other people. Early in this life (and quite possibly stemming from past incarnations as well) you discovered it felt safer for you to detach yourself emotionally and to be self-sufficient." ----> Now this is in relation to my moon, which is in Aquarius. The placement of the moon is indicative of karmic tendencies, (positive + negative) that one carries from past incarnated experiences on Earth.
That is a statement that gave a lot of perspective. Of course it is stuff I probably already knew, subconsciously or something, but it may as well be new information to me. Like I was just saying in previous paragraphs, asking for help is something I can and will do. But it is not easy. I get so emotionally tied to things, that when I ask for help I get scared. Scared that someone will think I'm stupid for asking, or that they won't care about the fact that I need help, or who knows that else. But it's definitely a huge problem for me that I obviously really need to work on because it is most likely stemming from a previous incarnation. I was never taught that asking for help is wrong, or bad.. I have just always felt uncomfortable about it. I know at least one thing I will be working on in the new year!
"You have great compassion and sympathetic feelings for those suffering or in pain, whether physical or emotional, for you are no stranger to it yourself. ... In love, it is the possibility of loss or betrayal that intensifies the experience for you. Put simply - you do not accept anything at face value, you instinctively know that there is a dark underside for every light surface. Understanding this shadowy side is a key to fulfilling your life purpose." Anyone that knows me of course knows that I have had my fair share of suffering and pain and thinking my life is totally over. And because of that, and my ability to see things for what they really are rather than what I wish them to be, or what society thinks it 'should' be - I can have a fairly objective view of the world. That is what helps make me so good at helping others. I have an insight that comes from every side of the table. I can see all around, under, through, and inside of things. I know what is, what could be, and what never was with a lot of things. I don't know why I see things in such a peculiar light - but it is a light nevertheless. I think that I really need to just delve RIGHT INTO exploring & embracing the shadow of life. If I want to help others successfully, this would be a tool of vital importance and phenomenal potential for growth and learning.
This following statement is the one that really stood out at me whilst I was reading... " A really loving intimate relationship can be tremendously healing for you also, especially if you allow your partner to see who you really are, including those aspects of yourself you usually hide and consider ugly and unacceptable. Being unconditionally accepted by another may be the first step toward embracing your own 'darkness', which will be a lifelong lesson for you. The fairy tale perhaps most relevant to this task is 'Beauty & the Beast'. Rather than rejecting your beastliness (negativity, fear, or not-beautiful emotions or impulses) you must learn to look at and lovingly accept them, thus, transforming yourself. Ultimately is is those who have struggled with and come to terms with their darkness who are able to bring light, understanding and healing to others who suffer, and this is part of your life's purpose.
This paragraph is pretty self explanatory. And also very true. I change who I am around people so that I don't step on toes, and so that I don't deter people. Not that I think I really would anyways... but who knows. There are things that I don't necessarily 'like' about myself per se, and there are certain people (esp those I am in romantic relationships with) that I try to hide those things as long as I can, or change them. It is probably one of the hardest things as humans for us to just accept and follow through with. It to understand that you shouldn't have to change or suppress any single thing about yourself in order to appease or impress any other person. If they don't like or care for that quality... and try to change it... and they shouldn't be in your life. A person that truly cares for another accepts them as who they are.
I have just always felt so different my entire life that I always felt, and still do, that people don't like me. Or that they just like everyone else much more than me. I struggle with it every single day and sometimes it really eats away at me. I'm a lot better.. At least I have self confidence now. But it's still hard when I just don't have relationships and friendships like other people have. At least I don't feel that way. But perhaps it is just simply my perception that is distorted and I need to find out where and fix it. It is so hard for me to get really close to other people when I think that they don't really care for me. Who knows.
I have reached my rambling limit for the day. This post has probably gotten way too long. But it feels a lot better to actually verbalize a lot of my feelings. I could honestly just sit here and type for hours and hours. I have so much feeling from suppressing it for so long. I love it and hate it at the same time. I am grateful to have feelings, and to want to feel emotions. But it's hard. OH, life.
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