Open your Eyes & Feel.Feel.FEEL.

     These dreams aren’t stopping. It’s getting to the point where they are soo real and affecting me so much that I wake up craving. It is taking everything in my power every minute of every day not to pick up. I know it won’t do anything, or resolve any issues. But then I have my drug addict brain telling me that it would just be so much easier to give up and go back to using, because then I don’t have to fight it every day.

               

     It’s just weird, how much easier it was to not even think about heroin or have any cravings when I first quit, but now – the difficulty has seriously increased ten-fold. I understand that it’s completely normal and I was expecting this, but I just sort of figured it would be the other way around. Shouldn’t I have been having tempting dreams in the first few weeks what I was still coming off the drug physically? Not now..? Five months later?? It’s seems like a test. And being that I’m totally broke, no car, or anything – it would be a major stretch to try to pick up. But luckily, with sobriety my mind has became much clearer and I know my priorities and consequences.

     It has just come down to a battle between my brilliant tricky mind, and my deeply emotional heart. I know I do not want to use Heroin… but my brain does. It wants the release of all those Endorphins, so that it feels good. And it craves those feelings of a numb sensation throughout my entire body to knock out any and all emotion. My brain is so used to not feeling, that all there ‘emotions’ I’ve been feeling lately are freaking it out completely. And even though feelings are something which I’ve always tried to run away from, lately I have been open & inviting to whatever comes my way – anger, joy, sadness. I know & fully understand that to gain anything from this lifetime that I can’t get by without feeling anything. The quality of life I would experience would be sad, pathetic, and sorrowful. It just wouldn’t be a life anyone would want to live. And as science has stated so fantastically – Every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. If I am so blessed to have the feelings of joy, happiness, love, and compassion in my life – then I am also blessed to have emotions of anger, sadness, envy and anxiety. I now welcome any emotion that I feel because it reminds me that I’m living. I am living a life that is worth something. And just because what I am feeling isn’t always what I want, doesn’t mean that it’s worthless. Every emotion teaches us a lesson and gives us something to gain from really feeling it. I mean just really getting angry and yelling, or just letting tears fall down your face. Allowing your body to feel is one of the healthiest things you can do for it. If anybody doesn’t want to grow into a biter old person, then feel.

 Last Friday night I started my Toe Reading 3 class for the weekend. At the end of the night, we all had a group Reiki healing to send to the families up north being affected by the fire. I have a lot of family up there, and it is also where I am from. It is my first home, and the most beautiful place in Arizona. This was so powerful and amazing I didn’t want it to end. I could feel every little bit of energy moving through my body. I was swaying and moving as the energy moved through my body and into someone else’s. It was so strong that I couldn’t sit still. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere my eyes teared up, and a single teardrop slid down my cheek. After that, another one followed, and another, and another. After just a few moments I had tears just streaming down my face. It was such a beautiful moment. The power, and all the love that was put into the circle was SO strong. And as I sat there, holding the hands of my neighbors on each side of me, with my eyes closed and my body grounded to the Earth. I just felt, so cleansed as I weeped. It was such a good, healthy cry. I just felt like as every tear trickled down to my chin, I was releasing something that was buried down inside me. I was healing my body, and my soul in the circle that night. The rest of that night, and the entire next day I just felt so unbelievably content, and just – happy. I felt like I had been relieved of something heavy, I was so much lighter and in a much better space.

Using the Heroin like I did for so long really affected my mind and my feelings – I just chose not to really have any. I was a zombie so far spun out of her head, didn’t even know which way was down. And sure, there have been times I’ve cried recently. Stress, money problems, whatever – I cry. But to just sit, in a loving, compassionate space and to just FEEL SO MUCH, that I actually cry… well it was pretty fucking amazing. I gotta say, It was a deeply spiritual situation for me, one that I have been much overdue for. I never really felt that having a spiritual connection was really that important my whole life, so not having one didn’t really affect me much. But now that I know how important it is to have one, I need it. And I treasure every moment of bliss I get.

I have made a long way since I have gotten clean. But I have a very far way to go still. And I will continue to work on it my entire life. I have been strengthening my awareness to my feelings in response to the things that I do. I am grateful, lucky, and blessed to have my life that I have, and the emotions that come along with it. The good and the bad – I’m grateful for it all. <3

I'm so stressed that thinking of a title is almost giving me a Panic Attack.

These past two weeks I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. I have spent most of it on the verge of completely breaking down mentally. It started off great though.

 Weekend before last my mother took me to a Healing Night that she was going to be doing Toe Reading at. A friend of ours, Kyle, who we went to school with, started his own healing center out in Queen Creek. I had been hearing about this place since before he really started it. It totally seemed like just yesterday he was in class with me and talked about what he wanted to do. And how freaking awesome it was to actually see what he had done. The whole place (Earth Spirit Center) was amazing. It was so cool to see someone I had gone to school with… and how their path was turning out. The whole night was amaaazing. So many people were there that I could have real conversations with. I met another boy, Cole. He is 16 years old and he too is in recovery from using heroin. Him and I even talked about addiction for a little bit during a group discussion. It was good to talk about it and not feel judged.

During the night I got a henna tattoo of a reiki symbol, that had been blessed with reiki as well. I still have it on my wrist! Tora told me that what it symbolizes is the Earth to the Heavens and back to the Earth, and the plane in between. It is from Primordial Reiki, which I got to hear a little bit about that night. I also saw one of the psychics that were there. I wish I had taped the session because I am forgetting some of the things she said to me. She wasn’t reading my palm or telling me my future or anything like that.. she said things that I needed to hear. Things that … deep down I think I know but needed to be physically spoken to me. She could sense right away that I had had a drug problem. She said that although it was out of my body physically, that energetically it was still clouding my aura a little bit, but that it was slowly getting better. She said that one of the reasons the thought that may have led me to using drugs was that I don’t feel like I fit in.. which is true, I never have. I never feel like anyone just, gets me. And that is a huge reason as to why I started using. I started raving and doing ecstasy and it was great.. I felt like I fit in somewhere. And then she said this .. “You never felt like you fit in, and you are never going to feel like you fit in – because you won’t. You are not here to be a normal person. You are here to lead an extraordinary life. Have you heard of Indigo Children?”  I laughed because she is not the first person that has brought up indigo children to me or my mother before. And I do agree that I fit into that of the Indigo Children, very much so. She also said a few things about my old soul, and that she could see my soul on the other side in the Temple of Dance, and the Temple of Colour. It was an interesting experience =]

So that weekend was pretty good. The following week however was full of stress and irritability. All week I spent freaking out wondering how I was going to pay for my group counseling that I have on Thursday nights, how I’m going to pay my probation payment that is a month overdue, and on top of that I had a final protocol that I had to finish writing that I had to perform on Wednesday night. O.0;;

I still don’t know what to do about my probation. I had to borrow money from a friend, but I don’t like borrowing money from people. It just gets so hard sometimes with this probation – I mean they KNOW that I’m a student, who had NO job, NO income, NOTHING of monetary value.. and yet I can still get in big trouble for something like having a late payment. My groups are 26$ a session, and I was given 26 sessions to do. I have three left now, but I calculated its $113.00 I need to have to pay off everything to get my certificate to finish. The week before she shouldn’t have even let me inside, but she did. And this week I don’t know how I’m going to get in either.. =o It just seems like sometimes the system is setting people up to fail. I completely respect law enforcement and I know that they are doing their job in protecting our people… but I just don’t have money. Danny and I are $400.00 behind on the clinic, and the owner has been in a lot lately. All it takes is for her to walk over and stand behind the nurse and look at the computer screen while she’s getting one of our doses .. and she can make her take it from us, and send us home without our doses. We can’t afford for something like that to happen.. if we don’t get our methadone, its possible that we would use, we’ll be so sick we won’t know what else to do. I don’t have anything else that I could sell so I can make my payments… I sold everything (IPod, Nintendo DS, Nintendo Wii) a while ago so I could get drugs. I Just absolutely loathe that we live in a world that requires this stupid little piece of paper called ‘money’. We have to have it or we are going to fail. Miserably. And it totally blows. I just wish that sometimes things were a little bit easier as far as money goes. I still don’t know what to do about my probation payment.. and as soon as I pay it, my next one is due in just a couple days. I just don’t know what to do, I hate asking people to loan me money, and had to do that just yesterday so I could get into my group.

Wednesday night I had my final protocol to do. And especially Danny could tell that I was verrry anxious and stressed out about the whole thing. The entire day I was so stressed out and irritable. But it went over very very well. Mine was one of the protocols that the teachers made copies of for students to take home. I let my OCD get the best of me on that one.. I did it waaay longer than I needed to. Most peoples’ were 1-2 pages, and mine was.. I don’t even know how many and went into great detail. I was stressing out about something that I didn’t have to do so detailed. But, that’s how I roll I guess lol

On May 29^th one of my really good friends Rory got back from Oklahoma ( Military) and had a party. So I brought Tyler and we went and had a good time. I never never never get out of the house for something fun really, - especially to party and let loose a little bit. It was good just to hang out, and have a fun time with nothing to worry about. I enjoyed it.

I saw my mother on Sunday. Her and her boyfriend on like 3 ½ years I think.. broke up. I missed her all week a lot though. My mom makes me feel better when I’m stressed out. We had a good Sunday night. My sister was in Cali for the weekend, so it was just the two of us. We got some hummus and a little bit of pasta salad at Sprout’s, rented a movie, and went to the house and had a great night =] I know it’s something so little, but being able to have long, heart-to-heart conversations with my mother is something I missed so much while I was using. And with my sister as well. We were always so close, and I shattered that. But it’s so much better now =] I am so grateful for the minutes I get to spend talking to my family.

Sunday DAY we had a party for Danny’s cousin that just graduated high school. It was pretty fun. His brother brought over his two black labs. They were sooo pretty. Danny and I decided that when we get a puppy we would like to get a Black Labrador. They are very pretty, playful. – but they look intimidating when you need them to. I can’t wait to get a little puppy so Kylie has a friend =] haha.

Sooo.. anyways. I have literally sat down in front of my computer to write this blog probably five different times in the past week and a half, and everything I just can finish it for some reason I don’t know why. I start a new class tonight, Pathology & Assessment. I am very very excited! I know I am only steps away from starting to make clients and start working on people. I am still extremely stressed about money though. I now have 1 probation payment that is a month late, and another probation payment that is due today. And tomorrow I have my group counseling for which I need like 20$ that I absolutely do not have. –Sigh- I will try my hardest to figure something out!

“When we change, the world changes. The key to all change is in our inner transformation--a change of our hearts and minds. This is human revolution. We all have the power to change. When we realize this truth, we can bring forth that power anywhere, anytime, and in any situation”   - Daisaku Ikeda