These past two weeks I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. I have spent most of it on the verge of completely breaking down mentally. It started off great though.
Weekend before last my mother took me to a Healing Night that she was going to be doing Toe Reading at. A friend of ours, Kyle, who we went to school with, started his own healing center out in Queen Creek. I had been hearing about this place since before he really started it. It totally seemed like just yesterday he was in class with me and talked about what he wanted to do. And how freaking awesome it was to actually see what he had done. The whole place (Earth Spirit Center) was amazing. It was so cool to see someone I had gone to school with… and how their path was turning out. The whole night was amaaazing. So many people were there that I could have real conversations with. I met another boy, Cole. He is 16 years old and he too is in recovery from using heroin. Him and I even talked about addiction for a little bit during a group discussion. It was good to talk about it and not feel judged.
During the night I got a henna tattoo of a reiki symbol, that had been blessed with reiki as well. I still have it on my wrist! Tora told me that what it symbolizes is the Earth to the Heavens and back to the Earth, and the plane in between. It is from Primordial Reiki, which I got to hear a little bit about that night. I also saw one of the psychics that were there. I wish I had taped the session because I am forgetting some of the things she said to me. She wasn’t reading my palm or telling me my future or anything like that.. she said things that I needed to hear. Things that … deep down I think I know but needed to be physically spoken to me. She could sense right away that I had had a drug problem. She said that although it was out of my body physically, that energetically it was still clouding my aura a little bit, but that it was slowly getting better. She said that one of the reasons the thought that may have led me to using drugs was that I don’t feel like I fit in.. which is true, I never have. I never feel like anyone just, gets me. And that is a huge reason as to why I started using. I started raving and doing ecstasy and it was great.. I felt like I fit in somewhere. And then she said this .. “You never felt like you fit in, and you are never going to feel like you fit in – because you won’t. You are not here to be a normal person. You are here to lead an extraordinary life. Have you heard of Indigo Children?” I laughed because she is not the first person that has brought up indigo children to me or my mother before. And I do agree that I fit into that of the Indigo Children, very much so. She also said a few things about my old soul, and that she could see my soul on the other side in the Temple of Dance, and the Temple of Colour. It was an interesting experience =]
So that weekend was pretty good. The following week however was full of stress and irritability. All week I spent freaking out wondering how I was going to pay for my group counseling that I have on Thursday nights, how I’m going to pay my probation payment that is a month overdue, and on top of that I had a final protocol that I had to finish writing that I had to perform on Wednesday night. O.0;;
I still don’t know what to do about my probation. I had to borrow money from a friend, but I don’t like borrowing money from people. It just gets so hard sometimes with this probation – I mean they KNOW that I’m a student, who had NO job, NO income, NOTHING of monetary value.. and yet I can still get in big trouble for something like having a late payment. My groups are 26$ a session, and I was given 26 sessions to do. I have three left now, but I calculated its $113.00 I need to have to pay off everything to get my certificate to finish. The week before she shouldn’t have even let me inside, but she did. And this week I don’t know how I’m going to get in either.. =o It just seems like sometimes the system is setting people up to fail. I completely respect law enforcement and I know that they are doing their job in protecting our people… but I just don’t have money. Danny and I are $400.00 behind on the clinic, and the owner has been in a lot lately. All it takes is for her to walk over and stand behind the nurse and look at the computer screen while she’s getting one of our doses .. and she can make her take it from us, and send us home without our doses. We can’t afford for something like that to happen.. if we don’t get our methadone, its possible that we would use, we’ll be so sick we won’t know what else to do. I don’t have anything else that I could sell so I can make my payments… I sold everything (IPod, Nintendo DS, Nintendo Wii) a while ago so I could get drugs. I Just absolutely loathe that we live in a world that requires this stupid little piece of paper called ‘money’. We have to have it or we are going to fail. Miserably. And it totally blows. I just wish that sometimes things were a little bit easier as far as money goes. I still don’t know what to do about my probation payment.. and as soon as I pay it, my next one is due in just a couple days. I just don’t know what to do, I hate asking people to loan me money, and had to do that just yesterday so I could get into my group.
Wednesday night I had my final protocol to do. And especially Danny could tell that I was verrry anxious and stressed out about the whole thing. The entire day I was so stressed out and irritable. But it went over very very well. Mine was one of the protocols that the teachers made copies of for students to take home. I let my OCD get the best of me on that one.. I did it waaay longer than I needed to. Most peoples’ were 1-2 pages, and mine was.. I don’t even know how many and went into great detail. I was stressing out about something that I didn’t have to do so detailed. But, that’s how I roll I guess lol
On May 29th one of my really good friends Rory got back from Oklahoma ( Military) and had a party. So I brought Tyler and we went and had a good time. I never never never get out of the house for something fun really, - especially to party and let loose a little bit. It was good just to hang out, and have a fun time with nothing to worry about. I enjoyed it.
I saw my mother on Sunday. Her and her boyfriend on like 3 ½ years I think.. broke up. I missed her all week a lot though. My mom makes me feel better when I’m stressed out. We had a good Sunday night. My sister was in Cali for the weekend, so it was just the two of us. We got some hummus and a little bit of pasta salad at Sprout’s, rented a movie, and went to the house and had a great night =] I know it’s something so little, but being able to have long, heart-to-heart conversations with my mother is something I missed so much while I was using. And with my sister as well. We were always so close, and I shattered that. But it’s so much better now =] I am so grateful for the minutes I get to spend talking to my family.
Sunday DAY we had a party for Danny’s cousin that just graduated high school. It was pretty fun. His brother brought over his two black labs. They were sooo pretty. Danny and I decided that when we get a puppy we would like to get a Black Labrador. They are very pretty, playful. – but they look intimidating when you need them to. I can’t wait to get a little puppy so Kylie has a friend =] haha.
Sooo.. anyways. I have literally sat down in front of my computer to write this blog probably five different times in the past week and a half, and everything I just can finish it for some reason I don’t know why. I start a new class tonight, Pathology & Assessment. I am very very excited! I know I am only steps away from starting to make clients and start working on people. I am still extremely stressed about money though. I now have 1 probation payment that is a month late, and another probation payment that is due today. And tomorrow I have my group counseling for which I need like 20$ that I absolutely do not have. –Sigh- I will try my hardest to figure something out!
“When we change, the world changes. The key to all change is in our inner transformation--a change of our hearts and minds. This is human revolution. We all have the power to change. When we realize this truth, we can bring forth that power anywhere, anytime, and in any situation” - Daisaku Ikeda
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