So lately I think I have been hit with one of the biggest tests yet in my sobriety – my dreams. They have progressively been getting worse night by night, and seriously pissing me off. I have never liked dreaming, it has never been much of a good experience for me, and if it has… then I sure as hell don’t remember those dreams. I have always had a hard time remembering dreams my entire life, and for about the past six months they have become vivid nightmares for me every night – usually about the world ending or loved ones dying. And unfortunately in the past few weeks – heroin.
The first drug dream that I had was a couple weeks ago. I did not use in the dream, all that happened was I had some and wanted to do it, but then I forgot about it. I did not understand why the hell out of nowhere I had a dream like this, since drugs, especially heroin have been the last thing on my mind lately. Of course it comes up in my mind, because being a heroin addict is something I have to struggle and deal with my entire life. However, I have not craved it, thought about using it, or anything like that in months.
I didn’t have another dream like this for about a week, and the second one was a little worse. In this dream I was driving around in the middle of the night trying to get a hold of someone, so I could go pick some up. I never did though, it was just like the last one... it began where I had to have it and was trying so hard to get it... But then the dream just continued and I forgot about it. It felt soo vividly real. And I HATED that. I felt that same obsessive, compulsive feeling I used to feel when I needed to get heroin. That feeling where I absolutely had to have it, and I would sell whatever I needed to in order to get it, or meet any person. Looking back, that feeling is an awful feeling, it’s the drug pulling at every fiber of my being, turning me into someone else – a someone that is ruled by a dirty, nasty drug, because I have to have it – unless I want to be so sick that I would rather slit my wrists than go through it…And after I woke up, I was so grateful that it wasn’t real… However I was beginning to become greatly disturbed. =/
A few days later I had another dream. And the next night. And the next night... I had a dream about trying to get heroin, or having it on me and trying to get to somewhere where I could shoot up – These dreams went on like this every night for about 5 nights in a row. I did not use one single time in any of these dreams. Some were incredibly bizarre, and others were more mundane… but I have never in my life, that I can recall, had so many dreams in such a short amount of time that revolved around one specific issue. I mean, for all I know, subconsciously these dreams may have absolutely nothing to do with my addiction, drugs, or addict behavior. I have no idea what they mean. But it’s seriously irritating and really pissing me off.
Last night, my dream changed. In my dream, I used. Several times. It felt so real, sticking the needle in my arm... hiding in the bathroom so I could stay ashamed of myself in closed quarters, lying to people about what I’m doing. I woke up with a headache, pissed off, and so utterly confused as to why this is going on in my head. I know that my dreams usually aren’t the most lighthearted, and usually they are very creepy, dark, and scary... but most of the time I can at least try to find some sort of meaning to it, and even if I can’t.. it’s just a dream, I know that a fucking dragon isn’t really going to show up somewhere, or a hundred tornadoes at one time. But I just don’t understand even a fragment of why these are going on.
Now it’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to go to bed, because I have grown to hate that feeling, with a passion. I don’t want to use heroin. I don’t want to stick syringes in my arms. I don’t don’t don’t want to be that person anymore. And I’m not... So why is it haunting my subconscious mind??? And WHY after how great I have been doing for myself and my life is this happening??? Because it sure as hell is not easy to ignore, it’s a sick fucking game my mind is playing on me.
It’s nice to finally vent about it a bit. I know that dreams are an important key to our subconscious, and what is going on deep down inside of our enigmatic souls... But these have really been bothering me. After every night I wake up from another of these dreams, is more and more that those old feelings are getting pushed into my head. Honestly, it’s really starting to get a little bit difficult to keep it out of my mind. I don’t want it here. I want to live my life, the way I have been. I don’t want to go back to being a junkie. I just want it to go away, but unfortunately I don’t know how to control my dreams. I guess I’m just wondering … what is in this situation that I need to face or learn something from? What the fuck is going on and why??
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