Dreary Mondays and Tuesday Tuesdays

     I don’t know what it was about this Monday (yesterday) in particular. Or if it was even the fact that it was a Monday at all. But I didn’t ‘fit’ all day. Something was off, and I didn’t care for it much at all. I felt as if my mind was somehow taking a backseat, and was watching from inside - but couldn’t express anything. I felt so trapped within myself. .. But I don’t know why. I haven’t been consciously negative or uneasy about anything much lately. At least anything that would easily explain the way I was feeling. It was just a very obscure Monday. I was very obsessive/compulsive all day, and it was awful. I kept getting stuck in patterns, and getting irritated over certain things not being a certain way. It’s like for some reason deep down my body feels like things are going the wrong way but it can’t say/do anything about the situation, and then proceeds to take it out on me in various ways. I don’t know if that makes much of any sense at all... but I feel I need to at least express it in a way that I can understand so I can just get it out there. I haven’t even been in an icky mood or anything. But for some odd reason I just. don’t.want.to…

      I am constantly shifting back and forth from one extreme of wanting to do.do.do. and go.go.go and having all this creativity, and things I want to do, and things I want to get done, and people I want to see, etc etc. And then out of nowhere I completely flip to having no energy, not wanting to do anything, kind of hating everything, all I want to do is sit and smoke and watch Buffy. I don’t know what is causing these massive shifts in my state of being, but aside from the fact that it’s interesting – it kinda blows. I know that my attitude greatly affects how I perceive everything to be. And that if I don’t have a good attitude about what is going on around me then blahblahblah. But .. I’m not choosing to have a certain attitude/feelings about things. They are just happening to me. All of a sudden I feel really uncomfortable/stand-offish/anxious about absolutely nothing at all, or about say.. my breakfast. Totally weird.   

      I am going through massive shifts of change in my life lately. I suppose that could be a viable reason for all of this craziness going on inside my head&heart. Whatever it is it, most definitely is crazy. I am getting very emotionally involved in things that I shouldn’t be, and then it is causing hurt on my part because then, I also read way too much into things and end up going through this never ending awful circle of- nothing short of madness. I need to find a way to slow my mind down, and be much more mindful when I think about things. I just get going so fast in my head that I can hardly keep up with myself. It is a constant struggle. And it’s something that I have to get used to again, and learn how to control because the drugs mellowed it out. Well, I was so fucked up and not even in my body for so long that it didn’t really matter because I didn’t pay much attention to what I was thinking anyways. Other than, ‘Need money. Need drugs. “   I didn’t even move at a quick pace, like I always have my whole life. Because I didn’t care where or what or who I needed to be, I just needed my dope and life was grand. And while I knew deep down that it sure as fuck wasn’t ‘grand’ at all, I still liked to wear the façade like it was. I like to think that I looked normal, and pretty, and generally not like a junkie to the outside world. But those were understandings of mine that were being sickly portrayed. And it’s sad to think about… how awfully pathetic I felt a decent amount of the time. And even now from time to time; when someone still won’t give me credit for how far I’ve come, and they make assumptions based on their ignorant lack of knowledge and closed mind.

      I want to find the strength that I know I have to just. be. I mean, I know that I am already doing that. But I’m not being completely, 100% how I want to be. I am getting there that’s for sure! I have started to quit smoking, I am down to less than 50% of what I was smoking every day. AND my toes have changed (toe reading)! I have apparently started listening to spirit and what it has to say to me which is a very good thing.

     All of this living that I’m doing is going to be much better than it ever has been before. And I want you to be right there with me. 

WhatDoIDoWithAllOfThis?Thoughts.Thoughts.Thoughts.

     Lately my anxiety has been much higher than it has ever been. There have been huge shifts in my life recently, and although my stress was pretty awful before all the changes, it’s still not any easier. I’m deeply really struggling between fully knowing I deserve all that’s going on and feeling inconvenient for always needing someone else’s help. That is one of the hardest parts about my sobriety - Is that, I haven’t been on my own two feet (clean) long enough to be completely self-sufficient and I am almost in constant need of a ride somewhere, or help with something. One of my best friends pointed out that “You’re not an inconvenience. You’re worth driving to wherever you need to go. The difference between you and most other people is that you’re actually trying, and need help. You’re not using people.”

          And while I know that I am trying, and I’m clean, and I’m not using anyone... it’s hard when I have to be taken everywhere. It’s hard not to feel like a bother to anybody. I know my perceptions are distorted, but I can’t help read too much into things and obsess over them. That is just how my mind works..and it causes very unnecessary stress.

           I try to keep my anxiety to myself as often as I can, but I’ve been having at least one panic attack a week, if not two…it’s driving me crazy. I feel like, ‘who wants to be around someone that freaks out all the time?’ I know I can’t help it, when the attacks happen. But it’s weird. I’m not negative or anything, I’m just very easily overwhelmed lately.

It’s hard to fully understand that I deserve everything that I’m working towards when I’ve fucked up so much in the past. My best friend’s son, who absolutely means soo much to me, doesn’t know who I am because I disappeared for so long while I was using. And it really hurts. I hate seeing what all I’ve missed out on, and can’t fix because of my mistakes. And I KNOW it’s just my past, and that it’s over and now is the present… but it’s much easier said than done.

           I am finding it very difficult to just deal lately. When I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, I have panic attacks, and cry and hate it. I get so uncomfortable. It’s so hard to allow feelings and unwanted situations when I used to just get high. Instead of being uncomfortable and anxious, I would stick a needle in my arm... And forget about having to be somewhere or be someone for the time being. I know it’s been 8 months, but with all the changes going on its bringing up a lot of stress & fear and my OCD is getting harder to deal with. I know that in order to grow and evolve I must endure the discomfort. It’s necessary, otherwise I’ll never change. I know that everything I want to achieve I won’t get by sitting around high… or even sitting around sober. Heroin is the last thing on my mind. But, I’m still not forgetting how much simpler things were when I didn’t do anything but heroin. I don’t want to return to that, but it’s a rough adjustment. I’m very thankful however, that I waited until I had this much clean time to start changing so much and that I didn’t go get a job and everything right away 8 months ago.

           I don’t even know what I am rambling about really. I know how I feel, and I know how I need to do things. But it’s just not easy. And I don’t want it to be easy; I want to know that I worked hard for everything that I get. I’m already getting so much satisfaction out of all the work I’ve been doing. And I can’t wait until I just accomplish more, and more. Even with all the anxiety and everything, I am finally in a space where I want to be. 

G.r.o.w.i.n.g. I.n.t.o. Y.o.u.r. S.p.i.r.i.t.

The following is from Richard Seaman, as one of his daily thoughts to ponder. And following that is my response. This one really made me think :]]

Though to Ponder Day 3: People grow & evolve when they sit inside the fire. (Metaphorically) Are you willing to sit in the fire, be uncomfortable to evolve?

 I think I am now becoming more and more willing to put myself into uncomfortable positions in order to grow. But while I was growing up… forget about it! I didn’t so much as speak one single word if I thought it would cause the slightest change in the energy or a space or someone’s mood. I have always been a “pleaser.” I don’t like confrontation; massive shifts in short amounts of time, or people to get angry/upset with me or a situation. And this has really been a huuuge problem in my life for a long time. It has made me regret so much in school, or other activities I participated in – because I wasn’t myself. I didn’t give the impression that I wanted to, people didn’t get to know the REAL me, and no one even remembers me much because I was soo invisible. I wanted to be invisible. Because at least if your invisible, no one can not like you.

          I am reaching stages in my life where I am growing in the world, I am working in the flow of my own personality and authentic self. I have slowly shifted things to where I am getting to be the person that I want to be. I look how I want to look (mostly). I have my pink hair, and my piercings and tattoos that express myself. I do a million creative projects all the time. I’m going to school – which is something that has always held one of my greatest passions – learning. I’m trying to start my own practice healing people and helping them. There are so many more things that I am doing.

          The important thing though, about the fact that I am going to my dreams – is that I have to be uncomfortable A LOT in order to get there. In school while learning how to heal others, you are on a journey to heal yourself first. And with that comes some really intense emotional releasing, and sharing, and just flat out screaming out your anger from time to time. I have changed soo much as a result though. I don’t even know where I’d be had I not come to this school and started to slowly push my comfort zone in order to achieve what I want, which in the end result is just happiness. Helping people is what I’ve always wanted to do. And this is the perfect way. I have a gift, a blessing, a whatever you want to call it. And I want to give, and share it with others. If being a little uncomfortable along the way is what it takes – then I can live with that.

          The unfortunate thing is that there are so many people that at the first sign of discomfort, they run or shut themselves away. They don’t even wait a second to see if it’s really as bad as they think it will be – and it usually isn’t. At the end of the day I can tell myself that I’m on the right path to where I need to be going, I grow every.single.day. And my relationships with everything in my life – People, Nature, The Divine, etc are growing as well. I’m happy, because I know that I’m working for it.

Things I did in the past for money weren’t satisfying. It was all worthless because I was just trying to get money as quick as I could, so I could get high as quick as I could. I was full of shame, guilt, and so much self-hatred I don’t know how I did not explode. And honestly, I was so much more uncomfortable all the time. I couldn’t sit through an entire movie at the theatre without having to leave, I couldn’t be around a lot of people, I couldn’t even leave the house most of the time. My most used phrase then was probably “I can’t” or “I just don’t feel well enough.”

I may have more anxiety and panic attacks now, but I’m treating them. I take care of myself. The difference is that I deal with the discomfort. The best part of putting yourself out there in order to evolve, is that it feels soo good. I know I’m trying something new, and in the end I will have learned something new and on the inside I’m changing – for the better.

The importance of going outside your comfort zone is so vital, that in order to achieve your dreams – it’s completely inevitable. It’s a MUST. But it’s really up to you if you are ready to grow or not yet? Do you WANT to raise your vibration? Do you want to GROW your self confidence? Think about it, and just take a few steps out of your comfort level and live a little. See what happens! I’m sure it’ll be okay in the end.

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