Somewhere deep in my subconscious...

     So lately I think I have been hit with one of the biggest tests yet in my sobriety – my dreams. They have progressively been getting worse night by night, and seriously pissing me off. I have never liked dreaming, it has never been much of a good experience for me, and if it has… then I sure as hell don’t remember those dreams. I have always had a hard time remembering dreams my entire life, and for about the past six months they have become vivid nightmares for me every night – usually about the world ending or loved ones dying.  And unfortunately in the past few weeks – heroin.

          The first drug dream that I had was a couple weeks ago. I did not use in the dream, all that happened was I had some and wanted to do it, but then I forgot about it. I did not understand why the hell out of nowhere I had a dream like this, since drugs, especially heroin have been the last thing on my mind lately. Of course it comes up in my mind, because being a heroin addict is something I have to struggle and deal with my entire life. However, I have not craved it, thought about using it, or anything like that in months.

          I didn’t have another dream like this for about a week, and the second one was a little worse. In this dream I was driving around in the middle of the night trying to get a hold of someone, so I could go pick some up. I never did though, it was just like the last one... it began where I had to have it and was trying so hard to get it... But then the dream just continued and I forgot about it. It felt soo vividly real. And I HATED that. I felt that same obsessive, compulsive feeling I used to feel when I needed to get heroin. That feeling where I absolutely had to have it, and I would sell whatever I needed to in order to get it, or meet any person. Looking back, that feeling is an awful feeling, it’s the drug pulling at every fiber of my being, turning me into someone else – a someone that is ruled by a dirty, nasty drug, because I have to have it – unless I want to be so sick that I would rather slit my wrists than go through it…And after I woke up, I was so grateful that it wasn’t real… However I was beginning to become greatly disturbed. =/

          A few days later I had another dream. And the next night. And the next night... I had a dream about trying to get heroin, or having it on me and trying to get to somewhere where I could shoot up – These dreams went on like this every night for about 5 nights in a row. I did not use one single time in any of these dreams. Some were incredibly bizarre, and others were more mundane… but I have never in my life, that I can recall, had so many dreams in such a short amount of time that revolved around one specific issue. I mean, for all I know, subconsciously these dreams may have absolutely nothing to do with my addiction, drugs, or addict behavior. I have no idea what they mean. But it’s seriously irritating and really pissing me off.

          Last night, my dream changed. In my dream, I used. Several times. It felt so real, sticking the needle in my arm... hiding in the bathroom so I could stay ashamed of myself in closed quarters, lying to people about what I’m doing. I woke up with a headache, pissed off, and so utterly confused as to why this is going on in my head. I know that my dreams usually aren’t the most lighthearted, and usually they are very creepy, dark, and scary... but most of the time I can at least try to find some sort of meaning to it, and even if I can’t.. it’s just a dream, I know that a fucking dragon isn’t really going to show up somewhere, or a hundred tornadoes at one time. But I just don’t understand even a fragment of why these are going on. 

     Now it’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to go to bed, because I have grown to hate that feeling, with a passion. I don’t want to use heroin. I don’t want to stick syringes in my arms. I don’t don’t don’t want to be that person anymore. And I’m not... So why is it haunting my subconscious mind??? And WHY after how great I have been doing for myself and my life is this happening??? Because it sure as hell is not easy to ignore, it’s a sick fucking game my mind is playing on me.

          It’s nice to finally vent about it a bit. I know that dreams are an important key to our subconscious, and what is going on deep down inside of our enigmatic souls... But these have really been bothering me. After every night I wake up from another of these dreams, is more and more that those old feelings are getting pushed into my head. Honestly, it’s really starting to get a little bit difficult to keep it out of my mind. I don’t want it here. I want to live my life, the way I have been. I don’t want to go back to being a junkie. I just want it to go away, but unfortunately I don’t know how to control my dreams. I guess I’m just wondering … what is in this situation that I need to face or learn something from? What the fuck is going on and why??

For you, mom.

Happy Mother's Day :]] This entry is dedicated to the strongest person I know, my mother, the one who gave me life. 
     My mother has and always will be my hero. She has an insurmountable amount of strength within her that is rare to find in someone. I could not have popped up in her belly at a better time. Bringing happiness into her world that had been dark and gloom for almost a year. I saved her. 
     Raising my younger sister and I from quite a young age, we were given a good life. No, it wasn't always perfect, but the thing that has made it great is that she always tried her hardest to do the best for her children. And that says more than any material thing ever could. Without realizing it, she has taught my sister and I very valuable things that I am so grateful for.
    Growing up we had a great relationship, we were extremely close. As my drug addiction got worse and worse, our relationship started to change more and more. The thing I am so thankful for, however, is her finally learning that trying to change me isn't going to change anything. She didn't go anywhere wrong in raising me. This is my battle that I have to face and conquer. She let me find my way, and made sure I knew she was there for me and loved me. The growth I have seen in her the past few years is just absolutely amazing. She is almost an entirely different person, and I  am so happy for her. 
    SWIHA has helped my mother come out of her shell, and be who she is on the inside and let the world see that beauty and not be afraid. Knowing that I am the reason that brought her to that school, I wouldn't take back a second of my past, because without that.. she may not be as happy as she is now. Who knows. 
     But we have both given each other so much. She has saved me.
     My mother will always be my favourite person to watch movies with. My mother will always be the one person that I know gives me unconditional love with every breath that she takes. My mother will always have the most delicious dinners that she cooks with random things from the cupboard. My mother will always be the voice in my head, when I think something isn't the way it should be. My mother will always be the talented, creative woman that raised me. My mother will always be the beautiful person that people are attracted to in every way. My mother will always be the one who makes me believe in what I think is 'impossible.' My mother will always be the best at taking care of me when I am sick. My mother will always be the person that I can talk to for hours and just let the whole day fly by. My mother will always be with me <3 

I love you mom. You have blessed me with this beautiful life and I am forever grateful to you. You are my hero, and I can't possibly comprehend a world without you. <333

I can't wait to make you dinner tonight ;)

Feelings.Rushing.Burning.Escaping.

Lately a real struggle for me has been the fact that I have to begin to feel emotions again. And I am definitely being tested lately. I have spent years perfecting that exact thing - NOT feeling. And now that I have done good for myself and I have begun to turn my life around and quit using heroin, I have to start feeling again too? I know I need to and I know I want to, but the road getting there is in no way being underestimated, its hard. And, inevitably that is what has led me back to the heroin every other time in the past when I have quit.
     I am so grateful for my class that I took this weekend 5 Element Acupressure for Emotional Healing. This is definitely something that I am going to use not only for clients, but myself as well. In the class we worked with the Transverse Fascial Membranes, to help to release emotions being stored in certain places of the body. Also we worked with Aromatherapy, the 5 elements with Traditional Chinese Medicine, some reflexology, Cranial Sacral work, and Acupressure.
     Laying down in a dark room, on a massage table, smelling strong esential oils from all over - its hard to know what to expect when someone is about to open up the Fascial Membrane on my Diaphragm, Pelvic Bone, Clavicle, and Occipital Ridge. For me, my body reacts in a number of ways to therapeutic sessions. For one, I twitch... quit a bit, because my body wants that person working on me to get away because it is not use to all the feelings that are being stirred up inside. Another thing is that I got very tight like my body woudnt let anyone in, it was protecting me from all the times I have been hurt in the past.Lastly,  I was accompanied by mass amounts of heat and vibrations throughout my entire body which was pretty overwhelming some of the time.
     It took two sessions working with opening up the membranes for me to start to process just a sliver of some of my emotions. All day yesterday after class I found myself being extremely emotional. And the thing about it was, I didn't know why. I knew my body most likely released some emotions and was just working through them. But being sad and not knowing why has been familiar to me since the third grade and I've always wanted to do something to fix myself - as if I've always been broken. And although I know now that isn't true anymore, it is still extremely hard to get used to feeling anger, or extreme sadness. I can no longer turn to the drugs to hide my real feelings anymore. It's a really hard struggle for me. I have always been someone who wants to please others, play nice, and not get in the way. But it has made me this person who has so much pent up anger that I am afraid to let it out because of who might be in the way.. But I don't want to end up alone and bitter, which is what will likely happen if I don't.
     I didn't realize how void of emotion I really was until it started to come back to me and although some of it can be overwhelming, I have also been experiencing great joy as well. When addicted to drugs I had no energy, no happiness, I was constantly numb of anything happy or sad. I would look at people and envy them for their energy to be able to walk a half mile to the store, or get up and go to work everyday because I couldn't hold a routine with anything. I was just too sick all the time. But in the past four months I have started school again, my romantic relationship with Danny has been improving far more than I thought it could have in such a short amount of time, and I constantly soak up every second I can with my family and love it all. Being full of life is so worth the hard times, because it is those happy moments of pure bliss that make this life worth living. And I know I'm here for a reason, a big reason.