I don’t know what it was about this Monday (yesterday) in particular. Or if it was even the fact that it was a Monday at all. But I didn’t ‘fit’ all day. Something was off, and I didn’t care for it much at all. I felt as if my mind was somehow taking a backseat, and was watching from inside - but couldn’t express anything. I felt so trapped within myself. .. But I don’t know why. I haven’t been consciously negative or uneasy about anything much lately. At least anything that would easily explain the way I was feeling. It was just a very obscure Monday. I was very obsessive/compulsive all day, and it was awful. I kept getting stuck in patterns, and getting irritated over certain things not being a certain way. It’s like for some reason deep down my body feels like things are going the wrong way but it can’t say/do anything about the situation, and then proceeds to take it out on me in various ways. I don’t know if that makes much of any sense at all... but I feel I need to at least express it in a way that I can understand so I can just get it out there. I haven’t even been in an icky mood or anything. But for some odd reason I just. don’t.want.to…
I am constantly shifting back and forth from one extreme of wanting to do.do.do. and go.go.go and having all this creativity, and things I want to do, and things I want to get done, and people I want to see, etc etc. And then out of nowhere I completely flip to having no energy, not wanting to do anything, kind of hating everything, all I want to do is sit and smoke and watch Buffy. I don’t know what is causing these massive shifts in my state of being, but aside from the fact that it’s interesting – it kinda blows. I know that my attitude greatly affects how I perceive everything to be. And that if I don’t have a good attitude about what is going on around me then blahblahblah. But .. I’m not choosing to have a certain attitude/feelings about things. They are just happening to me. All of a sudden I feel really uncomfortable/stand-offish/anxious about absolutely nothing at all, or about say.. my breakfast. Totally weird.
I am going through massive shifts of change in my life lately. I suppose that could be a viable reason for all of this craziness going on inside my head&heart. Whatever it is it, most definitely is crazy. I am getting very emotionally involved in things that I shouldn’t be, and then it is causing hurt on my part because then, I also read way too much into things and end up going through this never ending awful circle of- nothing short of madness. I need to find a way to slow my mind down, and be much more mindful when I think about things. I just get going so fast in my head that I can hardly keep up with myself. It is a constant struggle. And it’s something that I have to get used to again, and learn how to control because the drugs mellowed it out. Well, I was so fucked up and not even in my body for so long that it didn’t really matter because I didn’t pay much attention to what I was thinking anyways. Other than, ‘Need money. Need drugs. “ I didn’t even move at a quick pace, like I always have my whole life. Because I didn’t care where or what or who I needed to be, I just needed my dope and life was grand. And while I knew deep down that it sure as fuck wasn’t ‘grand’ at all, I still liked to wear the façade like it was. I like to think that I looked normal, and pretty, and generally not like a junkie to the outside world. But those were understandings of mine that were being sickly portrayed. And it’s sad to think about… how awfully pathetic I felt a decent amount of the time. And even now from time to time; when someone still won’t give me credit for how far I’ve come, and they make assumptions based on their ignorant lack of knowledge and closed mind.
I want to find the strength that I know I have to just. be. I mean, I know that I am already doing that. But I’m not being completely, 100% how I want to be. I am getting there that’s for sure! I have started to quit smoking, I am down to less than 50% of what I was smoking every day. AND my toes have changed (toe reading)! I have apparently started listening to spirit and what it has to say to me which is a very good thing.
All of this living that I’m doing is going to be much better than it ever has been before. And I want you to be right there with me.
Dr. Daniel Amen wrote a book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" and another called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Body". I found both very interesting. I would highly recommend reading the former first-- it talks a lot about alternative treatments for issues that are often medicated such as ADHD, primarily involving diet and exercise. I have employed his techniques with great success. I used to have a lot of trouble focusing and was also quite manic, especially for the first year post-withdrawal. I am now quite stable and sharp without any medication at all.
ReplyDelete***Edit: Sorry my comment is a bit late :( I've been trying to post it for dayyys and would have sent it directly to you but barley have been on the computer this week. I finally figured it out....my comment was too long I guess. Instead of telling me this it would just show it reloading the page but abosultly nothing would happen. I couldn't get to preview either. Lammee. :P ***
ReplyDeleteHi hi! I am glad I’m finally reading your (whole) blog. I never could find it…how do you search blogs on here anyway? I tried using google.com but without knowing the name of your blog I couldn’t find it. Right after I made my face book (but hadn’t logged on) I spent forever looking for your damn blog, I gave up, got on face book, and of course a couple posts down there was a link to your blog! Hehe. I did get to read it when you left it up on your Microsoft word though. 8D
On Monday when I saw you, that morning, were you feeling much like this? You seamed fine, actually even a bit witty or uhm quick. It sounds like typical OCD type feelings but sounds like it was different than the OCD feelings you usually get, was it different? Meditation or really anything that calms the mind and body should help… it’s only a short term fix that you should use to help you in fixing your OCD for the long term. Don’t read too much into what caused the OCD-ness as it isn’t something that is effected much by your moods or thoughts leading up to the OCD. They’re unsure what causes OCD but it definitely isn’t that simple. Some things will increase the odds of getting it like lack of sleep and drugs---really anything that greatly effects the balance of the brain. There might be certain things or situations that you notice help trigger those OCD thoughts…you probably avoid those situations. Maybe rationalizing why avoiding that situation would be better that hitting it straight on. Not saying anything bad about you specifically but these are common thoughts with OCD. What I mean is, say you’re walking down the sidewalk, and your OCD is making you not want to step on the cracks. You may rationalize that avoiding the crack will cause much less stress and anxiety than stepping on the crack. In reality though, you won’t feel any better avoiding them. Once you get to the next crack your anxiety and need to avoid it will be even stronger…stronger.. And it’ll spread onto other things. As soon as you have that thought you should step directly on the crack and when you do you should realize it wasn’t so bad, everything’s okay, and the World didn’t blow up. Lol You should feel relieved, until the next crack, but it‘ll get better the more you confront it. As with most struggles the best thing to do it take it head on and get out of your comfort zone. You’ll find the hardest part is stepping on the crack and the thought up to that moment but you’ll only feel better after-wards, maybe not back to normal or good (not right away), but better. It is like a band-aid, you anticipate it hurting when you remove it but if you take it off quickly then the fear of taking it off is worst than the pain from doing so. This is the gist of what I remember when I read into OCD several years ago, when I was having problems with patterns and whatnot. You should read about it too and what you can do that will help. This will also help you understand it which for a smarty pants like you understanding it maybe your best advantage over it. I think another very important thing is learning what things/situations are OCD. There are many of things you wouldn’t think of as part of OCD which are. For example, know how you can get attached or treat non-organic objects as if they have the same feelings as a person? That is a part of OCD. I’m not sure if practicing and embracing those thoughts will hurt the scary part of OCD--the patterns, ect. If it doesn’t hurt It then I wouldn’t change it because it is a part of you and super cute!
Personally my most common OCD I would have is patterns like how I walk. Every other step I step on the crack, every third step I step halfway on the crack….even as specific as my right foot stepped on a rock right between so my left foot has to do that now. I still get something similar to that but other than when I’m spacing out and do it without thinking, I can ignore it without much anxiety. This is a little harder to confront than the example I used earlier. Paranoia was another OCD feeling I had regularly…checking that I locked the door so I can’t get raped…wait what?? =0 =P but after I checked the lock and walked away I would start to doubt if it was really locked again. You know…
ReplyDeleteI’m pretty sure that is a part of getting off drugs. This is where you’ll be glad you’re on methadone because these feelings are 100x worst for people that quit cold turkey and don’t wing off. Which is one reason, after I realized how well methadone worked to straighten out your life, I was really glad I took this route. I think it is also a big reason on why some people relapse. I have this exact problem too, followed by complete frustration for not getting things done and for feeling so utterly unmotivated. But like you said, it could be what’s going on in your life right now. I think it’s both…you can’t expect either one to not effect you, greatly. If they didn’t, you should really be worried. :o Some of these feelings might even be partially fueled by OCD stuff…another reason to learn about OCD. Don’t be afraid to calm down and just chill for awhile. I think the added stress of pushing oneself too hard is worst than allot of the things some are trying to improve/stop. I’m not saying stop improving yourself. In fact, you do need to push yourself out of your comfort zone or you won’t get anywhere. Just make sure you’re doing it at a level you’re body & mind can handle and don’t be afraid to take a day off of pushing yourself. I can’t think of anything that you aren’t suppose to take so many days off for so many days on…you mind & body needs time to heal, learn, and even get used to the changes before introducing more.
Again, you should really meditate. I know we’ve talked about it before and if I remember right mediation's hard for you the same way it is for me. It’s hard to slow down the mind enough to mediate. With me it’s just as much losing concentrating, realizing I did, and not knowing how long I was thinking about puppies & lolli-pops when I should have been mediating…then thinking about how I was thinking too much…realizing I‘m spacing out AGAIN…and well you get it. *sigh*. I used to do something that is relaxing BEFORE mediating or sometimes it was just too much of a struggle to be effective in a acceptable amount of time. Allot of people have these problems though and there’s good info on tools you can learn to help…and you need to do all sides of mediation especially focusing on your breathing if your mind is racing. Vroom! =p Listening to a relaxing mediation tape telling you to focus on breathing a certain way and whatnot greatly helped me.
I hope I helped at least a lil bit…and remember you can always talk to me. Ily <3
I know you weren’t really asking for advice here but I got inspired and decided to respond!
ReplyDeleteAnyways…I've felt that way before, the “can’t stop thinking, thinking too much, thinking to fast” thing, it happens to me a lot… and I have also experienced the “Why can’t my mind slow down a bit?” part.
I think it's probably normal, but sometimes I find that these things are worsened when I allow myself too much time inside my own head. I find that forcing myself to socialize is key, because then I don’t have all this time to myself to think, over-think, and think some more.
I fill my time with hobbies too; hiking (5 times a week) has greatly improved my emotional well being… something about exercising really works for me. Also, talking someone’s ear off about the ride I’ve been on (thought wise) helps relieve some of that built up angst and pressure!
I'm not sure if this method works for everyone but I'm going to go ahead and say that the "talking about what you're thinking over and over again until you have nothing else to say about it" is a SOLID method, that and exercise. Haha. If you ever need someone to get chatty with, I gladly volunteer for the job (even though everyone says that I actually mean it) and after a vent sesh we can watch MF or Buffy to our hearts content (Buffy also happens to be one of my favs I have it all on DVD)!
-Indira
+1 on exercising. I don't know how I missed that. It is probably the single best thing you can do to help with any issues in life...with pretty much anything really. Exercise also helps lots of problems faster, sooner, and with results you will notice almost right away--if you really push. This helps allot because self improvement usually take allot work and time... it's hard to see results unless you look at it over a longer time period but that doesn't help if you just recently started to address whatever you're working on. Even if you continue to push forward and keep your head up then at the very least quick noticeable results will be more fuel to put on that fire. It definitely makes things easier.
ReplyDeleteAs you probably know exercise really can help just about anything. It'll help balance you so those down days aren't so down, increase motivation, attention, energy, happiness, sleep patterns/quality, ect I think, after time, it'll even help when you don't feel well whether it is your tummy, head, jaw?, whatever..
The one thing is, walking 30 mins a day, while it will help, it barley does. Pushing yourself is best and if you push yourself really hard you'll see results almost overnight. If you're walking you need to walk for at least 90mins before it starts to become very beneficial. The best thing to do which is also easier than just continually pushing yourself on a run is best known as Tabata - The 4min miracle. It's where you push yourself 110%, harder than you ever have before for 20 seconds, then rest for 10 seconds, and repeat 7 times (4 mins). I think the Tabata one is more for people with no time for a workout. I recommend bringing it down a little but doing it much longer and you should see much better results mentally and at least as good of results physically.
For me, not exercising for so long, being a smoker, and everything else running wasn't much of an option. I could run but my lungs just couldn't give me enough oxygen. Even with my training I had in my past on breathing techniques and many many other things I couldn't get anywhere. Walking certainly didn't work me out at all unless I walked quick for 3+ hours but still, not really. Hiking, like Indira suggested, helped me get to where I could breath enough to start running. Hiking is also one of the best things for you. The uneven terrain helps train your muscles and work some extra muscles that wouldn't normally get a workout without weights. There is elevation and lots of different options you can choose based on your mood or time available. If I don't have allot of time for my workout one night I can take a short but challenging route, or a smooth trail where I can sprint. I try to alternate, up hill every other day, downhill in between those days, and 4-8 times a month (30 days) take it a little easier on fairly flat terrain. The uphill is harder and really works the muscles & strengthen my heart while the downhill I jog while constantly trying to slow my descent which works cardio. Then the easy days are absolutely necessarily to allow your body to recover and really lock in the result you've gained. Both work totally different muscles as well as provide different scenarios for you mentally. Being out in nature is a huge bonus and keeps me (ADD boy) from getting bored. I go at night and every night I see several good shooting stars, beautiful scenery, and some beautiful wildlife. Most nights while taking a water break a hawk or owl will land on the trail sign near me to check me out...and I get to check them out. The hawk let me get within 3ft and shine my light on him (not blinding him, lol) just a couple nights ago.