Lately I have been seriously thinking about my future. About my life. Where I want it to go, where it has been, what I have done. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, and would be very fulfilled doing. But I'm starting to think that being a massage therapist just isn't one of them.
One of the many things that I have learned at SWIHA is that it's okay to change your mind. But, I still feel like I shouldn't. I mean, I am pretty close to being done with my program. And I don't want my family to think I failed again and can't even finish a one year program. And I would make good money as an LMT, why would I not do it. SO many thoughts are zooming in and out of my brain and it's starting to drive me a bit nuts.
The thing is, I don't want to do something that I don't want to do. And I feel a little stupid coming this far and beginning to come to the conclusion that I don't think I want to me a massage therapist anymore. I mean.. I am going to have to get a place of my own soon, it would be stupid to not finish my massage stuff. But that's the thing... I started wanting to do massage because 1) It would've been a gateway to people for the other modalities that I practice and 2) I would make great money, especially if I worked for myself.
The latter is not a good main reason to do something. What I want to do is HELP PEOPLE. But not in that sense. I know massage is great for people, and very beneficial & therapeutic .. but it just isn't the way I imagined myself helping others. Especially because I want to help people mostly with addiction problems. I want to write books, have groups, teach... things like that. I just lost sight of what it was I really wanted to do because being an LMT is really great in a monetary sense. That just isn't enough for me.
Another thing that I am reminded of constantly is that my body can't handle it. Even reflexology sessions at the HIV center, which is 3 back-to-back sessions totally kills me. My hands, wrists, elbows - are just what hurt the most during sessions. I just feel like there are all the signs being flaunted in m face that this just isn't where I need to be. I feel like an idiot saying anything though.. because then what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don't think so.. but everyone else probably does. And while I ultimately don't care if someone else thinks that I am wasting my time, it just sucks to feel like other people think you failed.
I know that finding out what you want to do with your life is not easy. And most people just get too scared to say "I just don't feel it" and they continue doing something that doesn't make them happy. Since I have started my massage classes at SWIHA I have been waiting for the day that I just feel it all click, and I know that this is something that I am soo great at. I mean, I am good at it. I know that I am. But, it's just not my thing. It was never my thing. I never wanted it to be something I did my entire life in the first place. Just something to add to my list. But, I don't think I even want it on my list at all. There are so many other things that I grow more and more passion for every day, if massage can't hold my interest, why am I going to pay to learn about it?
Again, I just feel stupid. I feel like I'm making excuses or whatever. But I'm not. I wonder if I can change my program and just do the Yoga Nidra or something. I don't know. I just can't get into it. Everyone else around me absolutely loves it. And I do. It's a great tool to have for my friends and family. But, it doesn't fit. I don't feel bad about thinking that, there is nothing wrong with realizing that massage isn't my calling. I want to help people more directly, in a more psychological way. There are other people that will go much further than I will with massage. It's theirs, not mine.
Rant over.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
& As it Rushes in.& As I feel it. &&& Now.
I have come to a revelation. Well, more of just a thought that has really struck my interest - about my emotions and feelings. I have been from one extreme to the other when it comes to dealing with a break-up, finding a new job, being sad - any feeling.
I have gone from:
1. Being a girl with too much to deal with and wanting to run away from it all.
2. Running from it all, and then some. And staying in the lost abyss of no emotion for years.
3. Climbing out of that bottomless empty black hole, and being thrust back into society with so much feeling (much more than I had in the beginning) and having to learn all over again what it is like to be a human.
As I have gone through my life, day by day in the past year - a lot has changed for me, anyone would agree. I am now sober, I am no longer in my romantic relationship with Danny, I am almost done with school, I have no car, I'm living at home again with my mother ( :] ), and the biggest change for me (and being sober of course) is the way I feel and emote.
Now to me it can either be a blessing or a curse. Much like my strong empathic abilities. It can be positive or negative. I choose to see it as positive most of the time, but it's not always easy to deal. Even for someone who has never done drugs or anything. Being a functioning person isn't easy - people get hurt. It's life. It happens. I have accepted that. But I find the positive aspect in the fact that I FEEL. Rather than just being a little frustrated if something isn't working for me.. I get really frustrated. But at the same time, instead of just being happy to spend time with a friend or my family - I feel so much happiness. I cry A LOT more. And I used to cry all the time! But it's not always because of sadness/anger/frustration. Happiness and Love deserve some credit for my tears as well.
I came to this realization the other day. I was having a pretty unfavorable day. I kept beginning to cry at the littlest things. I don't do this all the time. But I have my days where I just have so much feeling that is bursting through my veins, my body, my heart - rather than heroin lol - that I just have to release it in some way (i.e. crying,laughing, journaling, yelling) - whatever it may be. So I kept crying little bit but I was holding it all in. I wasn't at home, I was with friends. So by the end of the day.
And by end of the day, I mean like 4:00 AM, my body was tired - but so restless. I was awake, and wanted nothing more than to just sleep. I was just not in a very good state of mind. And then came the panic attacks. I couldn't help it. I was trying to hold my breath, shove my face in the pillow, something - to keep me from waking anyone up. I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like the warmth in my body had left me, and was replaced with this dank feeling of despair and defection.
I was just crying and crying, not very often to I pour so many tears out of my eyes in such a short time. I was hyperventilating, sweating, and just sad. I have been feeling very depressed lately. And for the most part - for no reason in particular. I have been feeling lonely, sad, and just all these teeny tiny inklings have been spiraling into these huge monsters in my head. I have been obsessing over mostly things that aren't even true. I have been causing myself grief that is most certainly unnecessary. But I can't help it. I just need to learn how to control it and handle it.
I finally calmed down. I talked to a friend for a few minutes until I felt better. I was finally able to sleep after getting some of the things that have been helplessly trapped in my mind out in the open. But I still feel this cloud of depression over me. The most I can do for it is just be grateful that I'm feeling it in the first place. There are people that get sober, and don't gain back their feelings. They continue to shy away from them, and prefer to stay an empty, hollow shell. But I don't want that. I want for feel alive. Whatever emotions come with that - so be it. I have bad days, which aren't so fun - but I have good days too. And great days. I even have some One-of-the-Best-Days-of-my-Life days. And that makes it all worth it .
I realized that when I do have my panic attacks, it is usually when I have been feeling a lot lately and stuffing it away. I know how important it is to let your feelings out, but it is still hard for me. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Anger is the most difficult feeling for me to be able to let out, show, or feel. If I get angry about something I feel ashamed, or wrong for feeling that way. I am such a nice person who is never mean to anyone really. It is rare. (There are the handful of people who have seen me really angry -it's scary). So when I do get mad about something, I don't want anyone or even myself to think that I'm anything short of a sweetheart. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express. But it is. I'm trying to work on it, but it will take some time.
Anyways... these panic attacks always come on when I have been stuffing and stuffing my feelings. And then out of nowhere I just explode. It is almost ALWAYS in a random place and time. At school while watching a movie, while washing my hands, while driving, or when going to bed - those are a few examples of places I've been when having panic attacks lately. I get them a lot more than I used to. They are also much more intense as well. I cry, hyperventilate,shake,collapse,etc. much worse than even before. They are filled with emotions down to the very last word or tear.
So I have made the rather interesting connection. I feel SO much now, and I don't know if it is because I didn't feel anything for so long.. But that is a safe assumption. I am extremely thankful for all of these feelings that I have now, even if it is a lot to handle some of the time. It's all just part of the journey. And I am choosing to see it as a very positive piece of my path. I am now not just a person who has been through some shit, and has more shit to go through in the future. I am a young woman with this insatiable, strong, passion for life with my heart pouring out of my pores and all my love being given to the world.
Happy New Years to Everyone. It is going to be a FABULOUS, ExCitINGGG, Lovely, and a deeply delicious 2012. I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. And I don't wish it to be any different. I hope this year is amazing. <3
I have gone from:
1. Being a girl with too much to deal with and wanting to run away from it all.
2. Running from it all, and then some. And staying in the lost abyss of no emotion for years.
3. Climbing out of that bottomless empty black hole, and being thrust back into society with so much feeling (much more than I had in the beginning) and having to learn all over again what it is like to be a human.
As I have gone through my life, day by day in the past year - a lot has changed for me, anyone would agree. I am now sober, I am no longer in my romantic relationship with Danny, I am almost done with school, I have no car, I'm living at home again with my mother ( :] ), and the biggest change for me (and being sober of course) is the way I feel and emote.
Now to me it can either be a blessing or a curse. Much like my strong empathic abilities. It can be positive or negative. I choose to see it as positive most of the time, but it's not always easy to deal. Even for someone who has never done drugs or anything. Being a functioning person isn't easy - people get hurt. It's life. It happens. I have accepted that. But I find the positive aspect in the fact that I FEEL. Rather than just being a little frustrated if something isn't working for me.. I get really frustrated. But at the same time, instead of just being happy to spend time with a friend or my family - I feel so much happiness. I cry A LOT more. And I used to cry all the time! But it's not always because of sadness/anger/frustration. Happiness and Love deserve some credit for my tears as well.
I came to this realization the other day. I was having a pretty unfavorable day. I kept beginning to cry at the littlest things. I don't do this all the time. But I have my days where I just have so much feeling that is bursting through my veins, my body, my heart - rather than heroin lol - that I just have to release it in some way (i.e. crying,laughing, journaling, yelling) - whatever it may be. So I kept crying little bit but I was holding it all in. I wasn't at home, I was with friends. So by the end of the day.
And by end of the day, I mean like 4:00 AM, my body was tired - but so restless. I was awake, and wanted nothing more than to just sleep. I was just not in a very good state of mind. And then came the panic attacks. I couldn't help it. I was trying to hold my breath, shove my face in the pillow, something - to keep me from waking anyone up. I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like the warmth in my body had left me, and was replaced with this dank feeling of despair and defection.
I was just crying and crying, not very often to I pour so many tears out of my eyes in such a short time. I was hyperventilating, sweating, and just sad. I have been feeling very depressed lately. And for the most part - for no reason in particular. I have been feeling lonely, sad, and just all these teeny tiny inklings have been spiraling into these huge monsters in my head. I have been obsessing over mostly things that aren't even true. I have been causing myself grief that is most certainly unnecessary. But I can't help it. I just need to learn how to control it and handle it.
I finally calmed down. I talked to a friend for a few minutes until I felt better. I was finally able to sleep after getting some of the things that have been helplessly trapped in my mind out in the open. But I still feel this cloud of depression over me. The most I can do for it is just be grateful that I'm feeling it in the first place. There are people that get sober, and don't gain back their feelings. They continue to shy away from them, and prefer to stay an empty, hollow shell. But I don't want that. I want for feel alive. Whatever emotions come with that - so be it. I have bad days, which aren't so fun - but I have good days too. And great days. I even have some One-of-the-Best-Days-of-my-Life days. And that makes it all worth it .
I realized that when I do have my panic attacks, it is usually when I have been feeling a lot lately and stuffing it away. I know how important it is to let your feelings out, but it is still hard for me. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Anger is the most difficult feeling for me to be able to let out, show, or feel. If I get angry about something I feel ashamed, or wrong for feeling that way. I am such a nice person who is never mean to anyone really. It is rare. (There are the handful of people who have seen me really angry -it's scary). So when I do get mad about something, I don't want anyone or even myself to think that I'm anything short of a sweetheart. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express. But it is. I'm trying to work on it, but it will take some time.
Anyways... these panic attacks always come on when I have been stuffing and stuffing my feelings. And then out of nowhere I just explode. It is almost ALWAYS in a random place and time. At school while watching a movie, while washing my hands, while driving, or when going to bed - those are a few examples of places I've been when having panic attacks lately. I get them a lot more than I used to. They are also much more intense as well. I cry, hyperventilate,shake,collapse,etc. much worse than even before. They are filled with emotions down to the very last word or tear.
So I have made the rather interesting connection. I feel SO much now, and I don't know if it is because I didn't feel anything for so long.. But that is a safe assumption. I am extremely thankful for all of these feelings that I have now, even if it is a lot to handle some of the time. It's all just part of the journey. And I am choosing to see it as a very positive piece of my path. I am now not just a person who has been through some shit, and has more shit to go through in the future. I am a young woman with this insatiable, strong, passion for life with my heart pouring out of my pores and all my love being given to the world.
Happy New Years to Everyone. It is going to be a FABULOUS, ExCitINGGG, Lovely, and a deeply delicious 2012. I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. And I don't wish it to be any different. I hope this year is amazing. <3
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