Embracing Fear. Lessons. Growth. Perfection.

After talking with my sister Alyssa the other day I have come to a full-blown realization of what my problem has been lately. And while I've known it the whole time of course, I never really fully understood quite why I am in the place I'm in. 

We go through life, living, existing, hiding, whatever makes us feel comfortable. But in order to really push the limits, and to truly succeed anywhere we have to be willing to feel the uncomfortable, awkward, and sometimes downright crappyness. 

We need to be accepting of what is, grateful for what has been, and unattached to what is to come. This is what I'm choosing to live my life by lately. 

Now, over the past several years I haven't gone very far. Mentally, sure, I definitely have in a lot of aspects. However, on paper, I don't have much to show. At least, that's the way I was feeling about things. I sit around and dwell on what/where I could be right now, and it just makes me feel bad. But what I was missing the entire time (even though deep down I really knew it) was that I have always been exactly where I need to be. 

As humans we attach to people, things, outcomes, etc.. and when things don't turn out the way we expect them to, we feel we have failed. There is no such thing as failure. Everything is perfect, just as it should be. 

I've been so afraid to move forward with my life... to get a good job, car, my own apartment, etc. I've been living in fear because I am so damn scared that if I rise to the top again, that I will crash and burn. And I know, life will not always be perfect, but I can't stay stuck forever. 

So I looked for jobs that had no real meaning to me, and got really down about not getting any of them. I kept telling myself the perfect job would come along eventually, but on some level I don't think I was really ready for it until after coming to this awareness of my place on this Earth. 

So last Friday night, at the healing circle, I decided to embrace the fear, and really say what was up. That I am so scared to move into the light and out of the darkness because I'm afraid of coming back to this dreary place. But I also know, that I have big things I'm supposed to do in this world and cowering in a corner sure as hell is not going to get me there is it? 

And I was right. The perfect job did come along. Did I get it? Not sure yet. Do I hope I do? Yes. But am I being attached to the fact that I want to ? Trying not to be. I know that no matter what, as long as I am aware of my feelings/emotions/actions, and I embrace everything for as it is - nothing less, nothing more, then I will be okay. I have faith that the Universe is going to take care of me. I have always been right on my path, doing what I need to be doing, so that I can better serve my purpose in this body during this lifetime. 

Every single thought that enters or strays from our mind is important. Every judgement, every want, need, satisfaction.. everything matters. What I'm learning quickly, is that not only does it all matter. But we all matter, and to a very amazing extent. 

Life is good. I'm very grateful for this learning experience. I am grateful for the world around me, and while it may seem fucked up and out of control to some, or fabulous to others, I'm simply taking it all in just as it is - perfect.

<3

Amazement.

So after spending the last several months writing blogs, and then forgetting to upload them when I can make it to an internet connection I am finally sitting down and spilling out my jumbled thoughts onto this screen. I almost need it, just so I can visually see the crazyness that is in my head (good crazy).

The last several months have been a serious emotional roller coaster for me. Not so much a roller coaster, as perhaps riding on the back of a manic depressive dragon. Yes, that is more like it. A dragon. :]

And while I could spend all this time thinking about every little thing that has happened – good, bad, weird, empty, shitty, etc.. I know what I have gained from all of this and the light is starting to force it’s way through, and soon there shall be not a spot of obscure darkness in my path. It’s my time. FUCKING finally.

Is everything in the place that it should be? No, of course not. But, I’m not worried about it anymore. I know that everything will be alright. I have the life, passion, and strength that has carried me through this life thus far, and I know that I can make it through just about anything at this point. What other choice do I have anyways?  And while I’ve spent a lot of time lately being just downright depressed and angry at the world and at myself for ‘not getting anywhere in life’ – I have missed the big picture. And I know that I’ve been missing the big picture… it’s just hard when you are so down, to be able to realize FUCKING GET OVER IT.

Albeit new, I am in the best, and healthiest relationship I have ever been in.  There are no words for the happiness and fulfillment that I have pouring out of me. You see in me what I want to be. But you already believe it, so why shouldn’t I ?  Sometimes all you need is someone to show you just who you really are. With the amazement at what I have before my eyes, & the knowing that I do deserve this.. I am the luckiest girl in the fucking world.  Truly.

And while I know who I am, I have lost touch with that confidence and knowing that I had started to get such a good hook on. I have been holding myself back from getting a job. I still haven’t found the exact reason or cause as to why… but I know that it’s been my self-doubt and victimizing (as much as I hate it, we all do it sometimes) that has been holding me up in my head and pulling me from my heart.

And it hits me.  The world isn’t holding me back. So what about a criminal record?!  If someone wants to judge me for a mistake I made and take full responsibility for, then do it. JUDGE ME. Because I know, that you are just judging yourself. And I have compassion for you.  And who gives a fuck that I couldn’t make it doing telesales?! I can’t be good at everything. And who needs to work in a fucked up, un-empowering, empty place of ‘work?’ No one needs to be in an environment like that.

So  while I realize that shitty things happen. They happen all the time.. BEAUTIFUL masterpieces of art happen before our eyes every single day.  No matter how big or how small any moment is, be grateful that you were there to witness it. Embrace the fiery god/goddess that is within you and fucking own every goddamn day like you have never lived before.  There is a whole lot of passion building up in me to do something amazing, I’m just waiting for the bus to hit me.

///////end.rant.

Too Many Forks in the Road.

Lately I have been seriously thinking about my future. About my life. Where I want it to go, where it has been, what I have done. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, and would be very fulfilled doing. But I'm starting to think that being a massage therapist just isn't one of them. 


One of the many things that I have learned at SWIHA is that it's okay to change your mind. But, I still feel like I shouldn't. I mean, I am pretty close to being done with my program. And I don't want my family to think I failed again and can't even finish a one year program. And I would make good money as an LMT, why would I not do it. SO many thoughts are zooming in and out of my brain and it's starting to drive me a bit nuts. 

The thing is, I don't want to do something that I don't want to do. And I feel a little stupid coming this far and beginning to come to the conclusion that I don't think I want to me a massage therapist anymore. I mean.. I am going to have to get a place of my own soon, it would be stupid to not finish my massage stuff. But that's the thing... I started wanting to do massage because 1) It would've been a gateway to people for the other modalities that I practice and 2) I would make great money, especially if I worked for myself. 


The latter is not a good main reason to do something. What I want to do is HELP PEOPLE. But not in that sense. I know massage is great for people, and very beneficial & therapeutic .. but it just isn't the way I imagined myself helping others. Especially because I want to help people mostly with addiction problems. I want to write books, have groups, teach... things like that. I just lost sight of what it was I really wanted to do because being an LMT is really great in a monetary sense. That just isn't enough for me. 


Another thing that I am reminded of constantly is that my body can't handle it. Even reflexology sessions at the HIV center, which is 3 back-to-back sessions totally kills me. My hands, wrists, elbows - are just what hurt the most during sessions. I just feel like there are all the signs being flaunted in m face that this just isn't where I need to be. I feel like an idiot saying anything though.. because then what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don't think so.. but everyone else probably does. And while I ultimately don't care if someone else thinks that I am wasting my time, it just sucks to feel like other people think you failed. 


I know that finding out what you want to do with your life is not easy. And most people just get too scared to say "I just don't feel it" and they continue doing something that doesn't make them happy. Since I have started my massage classes at SWIHA I have been waiting for the day that I just feel it all click, and I know that this is something that I am soo great at. I mean, I am good at it. I know that I am. But, it's just not my thing. It was never my thing. I never wanted it to be something I did my entire life in the first place. Just something to add to my list. But, I don't think I even want it on my list at all. There are so many other things that I grow more and more passion for every day, if massage can't hold my interest, why am I going to pay to learn about it? 


Again, I just feel stupid. I feel like I'm making excuses or whatever. But I'm not. I wonder if I can change my program and just do the Yoga Nidra or something. I don't know. I just can't get into it. Everyone else around me absolutely loves it. And I do. It's a great tool to have for my friends and family. But, it doesn't fit. I don't feel bad about thinking that, there is nothing wrong with realizing that massage isn't my calling. I want to help people more directly, in a more psychological way. There are other people that will go much further than I will with massage. It's theirs, not mine. 


Rant over. 

& As it Rushes in.& As I feel it. &&& Now.

I have come to a revelation. Well, more of just a thought that has really struck my interest - about my emotions and feelings. I have been from one extreme to the other when it comes to dealing with a break-up, finding a new job, being sad - any feeling.
 I have gone from: 
1. Being a girl with too much to deal with and wanting to run away from it all. 
2. Running from it all, and then some. And staying in the lost abyss of no emotion for years. 
3. Climbing out of that bottomless empty black hole, and being thrust back into society with so much feeling (much more than I had in the beginning) and having to learn all over again what it is like to be a human.
As I have gone through my life, day by day in the past year - a lot has changed for me, anyone would agree. I am now sober, I am no longer in my romantic relationship with Danny, I am almost done with school, I have no car, I'm living at home again with my mother ( :] ), and the biggest change for me (and being sober of course) is the way I feel and emote. 


Now to me it can either be a blessing or a curse. Much like my strong empathic abilities. It can be positive or negative. I choose to see it as positive most of the time, but it's not always easy to deal. Even for someone who has never done drugs or anything. Being a functioning person isn't easy - people get hurt. It's life. It happens. I have accepted that. But I find the positive aspect in the fact that I FEEL. Rather than just being a little frustrated if something isn't working for me.. I get really frustrated. But at the same time, instead of just being happy to spend time with a friend or my family - I feel so much happiness. I cry A LOT more. And I used to cry all the time! But it's not always because of sadness/anger/frustration. Happiness and Love deserve some credit for my tears as well.


I came to this realization the other day. I was having a pretty unfavorable day.  I kept beginning to cry at the littlest things. I don't do this all the time. But I have my days where I just have so much feeling that is bursting through my veins, my body, my heart - rather than heroin lol - that I just have to release it in some way (i.e. crying,laughing, journaling, yelling) - whatever it may be. So I kept crying little bit but I was holding it all in. I wasn't at home, I was with friends. So by the end of the day.
 And by end of the day, I mean like 4:00 AM, my body was tired - but so restless. I was awake, and wanted nothing more than to just sleep. I was just not in a very good state of mind. And then came the panic attacks. I couldn't help it. I was trying to hold my breath, shove my face in the pillow, something - to keep me from waking anyone up. I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like the warmth in my body had left me, and was replaced with this dank feeling of despair and defection. 


I was just crying and crying, not very often to I pour so many tears out of my eyes in such a short time. I was hyperventilating, sweating, and just sad. I have been feeling very depressed lately. And for the most part - for no reason in particular. I have been feeling lonely, sad, and just all these teeny tiny inklings have been spiraling into these huge monsters in my head. I have been obsessing over mostly things that aren't even true. I have been causing myself grief that is most certainly unnecessary. But I can't help it. I just need to learn how to control it and handle it. 


I finally calmed down. I talked to a friend for a few minutes until I felt better. I was finally able to sleep after getting some of the things that have been helplessly trapped in my mind out in the open. But I still feel this cloud of depression over me. The most I can do for it is just be grateful that I'm feeling it in the first place. There are people that get sober, and don't gain back their feelings. They continue to shy away from them, and prefer to stay an empty, hollow shell. But I don't want that. I want for feel alive. Whatever emotions come with that - so be it. I have bad days, which aren't so fun - but I have good days too. And great days. I even have some One-of-the-Best-Days-of-my-Life days. And that makes it all worth it .


I realized that when I do have my panic attacks, it is usually when I have been feeling a lot lately and stuffing it away. I know how important it is to let your feelings out, but it is still hard for me. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Anger is the most difficult feeling for me to be able to let out, show, or feel. If I get angry about something I feel ashamed, or wrong for feeling that way. I am such a nice person who is never mean to anyone really. It is rare. (There are the handful of people who have seen me really angry -it's scary). So when I do get mad about something, I don't want anyone or even myself to think that I'm anything short of a sweetheart. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express. But it is. I'm trying to work on it, but it will take some time. 
Anyways... these panic attacks always come on when I have been stuffing and stuffing my feelings. And then out of nowhere I just explode. It is almost ALWAYS in a random place and time. At school while watching a movie, while washing my hands, while driving, or when going to bed - those are a few examples of places I've been when having panic attacks lately. I get them a lot  more than I used to. They are also  much more intense as well. I cry, hyperventilate,shake,collapse,etc. much worse than even before. They are filled with emotions down to the very last word or tear. 


So I have made the rather interesting connection. I feel SO much now, and I don't know if it is because I didn't feel anything for so long.. But that is a safe assumption. I am extremely thankful for all of these feelings that I have now, even if it is a lot to handle some of the time. It's all just part of the journey. And I am choosing to see it as a very positive piece of my path. I am now not just a person who has been through some shit, and has more shit to go through in the future. I am a young woman with this insatiable, strong, passion for life with my heart pouring out of my pores and all my love being given to the world. 


Happy New Years to Everyone. It is going to be a FABULOUS, ExCitINGGG, Lovely, and a deeply delicious 2012. I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. And I don't wish it to be any different. I hope this year is amazing. <3