Screw Up.Live.Love.Lose.Learn.Grow.

I know that I haven't posted anything for a while... I almost have a million times. But I just don't for some reason.  Emotionally I have been going through a lot lately. Since my last blog post I have successfully completed 18 months of probation, had my felony dropped to a misdemeanor, made it to 11 months clean, & have gone through a lot of little shifts and changes. 


    In nine days I will have been clean for one year. Now, it was made apparent to me that there are people who think that I am not. But, I don't care. Being clean is what it means for me. It is my life and my body after all. I don't spend hours a day slamming lethal doses of heroin into my arms, or smoke way too much meth, or do way too much cocaine anymore. I'm not past it, I'm far from it, but I'm getting there. The methadone has helped me more than I ever thought it could or would. And I know there's people that think I am not clean because I go to a methadone clinic, but you know what... it has been the most successful way to help keep me off the heroin. 
    It does scare me to think about when I am done with the methadone... It kills my cravings now, but what about when I stop? People who stay in a methadone treatment program for at least 3 years have the most success with staying sober. But unless I get a job soon, it is so much of a struggle to pay for it. Plus there's the fact that it is still clouding my aura, and my energetic field. Not much,  because it is helping me. But it still does. Highly intuitive people notice it right away. They notice the drugs in my past, and they sense something that is still there ... which is the methadone. 


     The methadone isn't the only thing holding me back. There are a lot of things, and most of which are consequences that I have to deal with as a result of the choices that I have made in the past. Which I am okay with, but it's still hard not to get down about it sometimes. I hate being so dependent on other people as often as I am. I am 21 years old.. I should have a car, and a job, and bills that I am able to pay. I envy people who have bills, and rent, and car payments.. because I don't have that. And I don't have that because I simply can't. 
     I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking people for help when you need it, but I just feel like I am in the way all the time. I can't see friends unless they pick me up or I take the bus which I don't always have the money for.  I hate relying on others so much, because it's not really a choice that I have. I can't get my life back on track on my own. And I know that, I knew that before I got clean. But, I didn't think it would go this slow, take this long, and that I would need THIS much help. It just makes me feel a little pathetic... Other people can get a job fine. I have applied for over 60 jobs in the last month and a half. I have no chance of getting a car anytime soon. I just feel so stuck. I hate it. I just feel like I am always in the way. Like people feel obligated to help me. I'll get over it. I know that they don't feel that way, at least I hope not. But it's hard not to think that way sometimes. 


     My grandmother got me a personalized astrology reading, Edgar Cayce's A.R.E. (Association for Research & Enlightenment) report. I have two already. I have one that that is a Karmic Insight Report, one on past lives, and my newest on is on Opportunities. These reports are fantastic. I don't know a whole lot about the specifics of astrology, but it sure does fascinate me. There are of course a few things here and there that may not quite fit with me. But for the most part 98% of these things are dead on. 


    I was reading up on my Karmic Insight Report this morning. Every time I reread one of these readings, I gain so much new information because there is just so much to them. A lot of things were really put into perspective for me and really got me thinking about my life; the girl I grew up as, and the person I have grown into now. I just want to share a few little pieces of it. 


     "On an emotional level, it is very hard for you to admit that you have needs, or that you need other people. Early in this life (and quite possibly stemming from past incarnations as well) you discovered it felt safer for you to detach yourself emotionally and to be self-sufficient." ----> Now this is in relation to my moon, which is in Aquarius. The placement of the moon is indicative of karmic tendencies, (positive + negative) that one carries from past incarnated experiences on Earth. 
  That is a statement that gave a lot of perspective. Of course it is stuff I probably already knew, subconsciously or something, but it may as well be new information to me. Like I was just saying in previous paragraphs, asking for help is something I can and will do. But it is not easy. I get so emotionally tied to things, that when I ask for help I get scared. Scared that someone will think I'm stupid for asking, or that they won't care about the fact that I need help, or who knows that else. But it's definitely a huge problem for me that I obviously really need to work on because it is most likely stemming from a previous incarnation. I was never taught that asking for help is wrong, or bad.. I have just always felt uncomfortable about it. I know at least one thing I will be working on in the new year!


     "You have great compassion and sympathetic feelings for those suffering or in pain, whether physical or emotional, for you are no stranger to it yourself. ... In love, it is the possibility of loss or betrayal that intensifies the experience for you. Put simply - you do not accept anything at face value, you instinctively know that there is a dark underside for every light surface. Understanding this shadowy side is a key to fulfilling your life purpose."  Anyone that knows me of course knows that I have had my fair share of suffering and pain and thinking my life is totally over. And because of that, and my ability to see things for what they really are rather than what I wish them to be, or what society thinks it 'should' be - I can have a fairly objective view of the world. That is what helps make me so good at helping others. I have an insight that comes from every side of the table. I can see all around, under, through, and inside of things. I know what is, what could be, and what never was with a lot of things. I don't know why I see things in such a peculiar light - but it is a light nevertheless. I think that I really need to just delve RIGHT INTO exploring & embracing the shadow of life. If I want to help others successfully, this would be a tool of vital importance and phenomenal potential for growth and learning. 


This following statement is the one that really stood out at me whilst I was reading... " A really loving intimate relationship can be tremendously healing for you also, especially if you allow your partner to see who you really are, including those aspects of yourself you usually hide and consider ugly and unacceptable. Being unconditionally accepted by another may be the first step toward embracing your own 'darkness', which will be a lifelong lesson for you. The fairy tale perhaps most relevant to this task is 'Beauty & the Beast'. Rather than rejecting your beastliness (negativity, fear, or not-beautiful emotions or impulses) you must learn to look at and lovingly accept them, thus, transforming yourself. Ultimately is is those who have struggled with and come to terms with their darkness who are able to bring light, understanding and healing to others who suffer, and this is part of your life's purpose. 
     This paragraph is pretty self explanatory. And also very true. I change who I am around people so that I don't step on toes, and so that I don't deter people. Not that I think I really would anyways... but who knows. There are things that I don't necessarily 'like' about myself per se, and there are certain people (esp those I am in romantic relationships with) that I try to hide those things as long as I can, or change them. It is probably one of the hardest things as humans for us to just accept and follow through with. It to understand that you shouldn't have to change or suppress any single thing about yourself  in order to appease or impress any other person. If they don't like or care for that quality... and try to change it... and they shouldn't be in your life. A person that truly cares for another accepts them as who they are. 
   I have just always felt so different my entire life that I always felt, and still do, that people don't like me. Or that they just like everyone else much more than me. I struggle with it every single day and sometimes it really eats away at me. I'm a lot better.. At least I have self confidence now. But it's still hard when I just don't have relationships and friendships like other people have. At least I don't feel that way. But perhaps it is just simply my perception that is distorted and I need to find out where and fix it. It is so hard for me to get really close to other people when I think that they don't really care for me. Who knows. 


I have reached my rambling limit for the day. This post has probably gotten way too long. But it feels a lot better to actually verbalize a lot of my feelings. I could honestly just sit here and type for hours and hours. I have so much feeling from suppressing it for so long. I love it and hate it at the same time. I am grateful to have feelings, and to want to feel emotions. But it's hard. OH, life. 




<3

Where Have You Been All My Life?

      As I was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette in the lovely weather… and I just noticed how beautiful everything is. How sensationally delectable life truly is. It is so colourful, and just absolutely amazing how every little fiber of all that exists comes together to create this enigmatic, immaculate, amazing place.

          I was walking around in this big, huge world for so long seeing everything as awful. Most of it I wasn’t even really seeing at all.  I was lost in only seeing the money in my pocket, and how/when I would next be feeling that rush going into my veins. I wasted so much time, and I missed so much. I was always hot, or cold, or feeling like shit, or whatever my excuse was for never doing anything. I spent day after day abhorring everything. I lost so many friends. I lost my way. I lost myself.

          However, the beauty of it all is that I am so thankful I have lost those things. I’m so glad that I was in such a terrible place for so long, that I saw everything in gray. There is not one thing that I did or that happened that I ever take back. For without it, I may not see things in the way I do now. I would not have the magnetism, and happiness I do now.

          I do not always have good days. In fact, I have a lot of bad days. And that is something I can thank post-acute withdrawal syndrome for. I will still wake up and be fatigued, or depressed, or anxious for a given amount of time here and there for up to two years. I’m glad that I discovered about it, because I was previously unaware as to why I’ve been having such crazy roller coaster days. But now that I have identified the problem, I can move forward with it rather than being angry about it.

          But even still, when I’m having a bad day… I can still find the light in it all. I can still smile, and see the good in everything even if I just had a panic attack in the bathroom or whatever it may be. I can bounce back from being down, and beam right up again. I can completely notice a difference in my personality based singly on the fact of how people act around me. I see how much people are telling me how happy I am, and just how sunshiney-faerie-like I am. It makes me happy that others notice a difference in me. It’s nice. Food even tastes soo much better. I have more fun. I enjoy much more.

          I find myself constantly trying to find the positive, and light in everything. When someone has a problem I am there to help, instead of seeing what’s in it for me or trying to run away because I don’t want to spend the time I could spend getting high on doing something for someone else. Which isn’t even really ME at all. I can feel the light inside me that wasn’t there previously. Even before I started using, I didn’t glow like I do now. I still had so many doubts attributed to my self-esteem, friends, fitting in, blahblahblah. So many things got me down. But I have encompassed the act of self love, and understanding that I am a beautiful person – whether you think I am or not, because beauty does not come from peer approval. It truly does come from within yourself. 

          Now, not only do I see myself for the beautiful eccentric person that I am. But the world for all of it’s beauty, and synchronicity. It’s breathtaking just to sit in the autumn air and simply, be.

Thank you heroin, for showing me how amazingly beautiful life is without you.  

Dreary Mondays and Tuesday Tuesdays

     I don’t know what it was about this Monday (yesterday) in particular. Or if it was even the fact that it was a Monday at all. But I didn’t ‘fit’ all day. Something was off, and I didn’t care for it much at all. I felt as if my mind was somehow taking a backseat, and was watching from inside - but couldn’t express anything. I felt so trapped within myself. .. But I don’t know why. I haven’t been consciously negative or uneasy about anything much lately. At least anything that would easily explain the way I was feeling. It was just a very obscure Monday. I was very obsessive/compulsive all day, and it was awful. I kept getting stuck in patterns, and getting irritated over certain things not being a certain way. It’s like for some reason deep down my body feels like things are going the wrong way but it can’t say/do anything about the situation, and then proceeds to take it out on me in various ways. I don’t know if that makes much of any sense at all... but I feel I need to at least express it in a way that I can understand so I can just get it out there. I haven’t even been in an icky mood or anything. But for some odd reason I just. don’t.want.to…

      I am constantly shifting back and forth from one extreme of wanting to do.do.do. and go.go.go and having all this creativity, and things I want to do, and things I want to get done, and people I want to see, etc etc. And then out of nowhere I completely flip to having no energy, not wanting to do anything, kind of hating everything, all I want to do is sit and smoke and watch Buffy. I don’t know what is causing these massive shifts in my state of being, but aside from the fact that it’s interesting – it kinda blows. I know that my attitude greatly affects how I perceive everything to be. And that if I don’t have a good attitude about what is going on around me then blahblahblah. But .. I’m not choosing to have a certain attitude/feelings about things. They are just happening to me. All of a sudden I feel really uncomfortable/stand-offish/anxious about absolutely nothing at all, or about say.. my breakfast. Totally weird.   

      I am going through massive shifts of change in my life lately. I suppose that could be a viable reason for all of this craziness going on inside my head&heart. Whatever it is it, most definitely is crazy. I am getting very emotionally involved in things that I shouldn’t be, and then it is causing hurt on my part because then, I also read way too much into things and end up going through this never ending awful circle of- nothing short of madness. I need to find a way to slow my mind down, and be much more mindful when I think about things. I just get going so fast in my head that I can hardly keep up with myself. It is a constant struggle. And it’s something that I have to get used to again, and learn how to control because the drugs mellowed it out. Well, I was so fucked up and not even in my body for so long that it didn’t really matter because I didn’t pay much attention to what I was thinking anyways. Other than, ‘Need money. Need drugs. “   I didn’t even move at a quick pace, like I always have my whole life. Because I didn’t care where or what or who I needed to be, I just needed my dope and life was grand. And while I knew deep down that it sure as fuck wasn’t ‘grand’ at all, I still liked to wear the façade like it was. I like to think that I looked normal, and pretty, and generally not like a junkie to the outside world. But those were understandings of mine that were being sickly portrayed. And it’s sad to think about… how awfully pathetic I felt a decent amount of the time. And even now from time to time; when someone still won’t give me credit for how far I’ve come, and they make assumptions based on their ignorant lack of knowledge and closed mind.

      I want to find the strength that I know I have to just. be. I mean, I know that I am already doing that. But I’m not being completely, 100% how I want to be. I am getting there that’s for sure! I have started to quit smoking, I am down to less than 50% of what I was smoking every day. AND my toes have changed (toe reading)! I have apparently started listening to spirit and what it has to say to me which is a very good thing.

     All of this living that I’m doing is going to be much better than it ever has been before. And I want you to be right there with me. 

WhatDoIDoWithAllOfThis?Thoughts.Thoughts.Thoughts.

     Lately my anxiety has been much higher than it has ever been. There have been huge shifts in my life recently, and although my stress was pretty awful before all the changes, it’s still not any easier. I’m deeply really struggling between fully knowing I deserve all that’s going on and feeling inconvenient for always needing someone else’s help. That is one of the hardest parts about my sobriety - Is that, I haven’t been on my own two feet (clean) long enough to be completely self-sufficient and I am almost in constant need of a ride somewhere, or help with something. One of my best friends pointed out that “You’re not an inconvenience. You’re worth driving to wherever you need to go. The difference between you and most other people is that you’re actually trying, and need help. You’re not using people.”

          And while I know that I am trying, and I’m clean, and I’m not using anyone... it’s hard when I have to be taken everywhere. It’s hard not to feel like a bother to anybody. I know my perceptions are distorted, but I can’t help read too much into things and obsess over them. That is just how my mind works..and it causes very unnecessary stress.

           I try to keep my anxiety to myself as often as I can, but I’ve been having at least one panic attack a week, if not two…it’s driving me crazy. I feel like, ‘who wants to be around someone that freaks out all the time?’ I know I can’t help it, when the attacks happen. But it’s weird. I’m not negative or anything, I’m just very easily overwhelmed lately.

It’s hard to fully understand that I deserve everything that I’m working towards when I’ve fucked up so much in the past. My best friend’s son, who absolutely means soo much to me, doesn’t know who I am because I disappeared for so long while I was using. And it really hurts. I hate seeing what all I’ve missed out on, and can’t fix because of my mistakes. And I KNOW it’s just my past, and that it’s over and now is the present… but it’s much easier said than done.

           I am finding it very difficult to just deal lately. When I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, I have panic attacks, and cry and hate it. I get so uncomfortable. It’s so hard to allow feelings and unwanted situations when I used to just get high. Instead of being uncomfortable and anxious, I would stick a needle in my arm... And forget about having to be somewhere or be someone for the time being. I know it’s been 8 months, but with all the changes going on its bringing up a lot of stress & fear and my OCD is getting harder to deal with. I know that in order to grow and evolve I must endure the discomfort. It’s necessary, otherwise I’ll never change. I know that everything I want to achieve I won’t get by sitting around high… or even sitting around sober. Heroin is the last thing on my mind. But, I’m still not forgetting how much simpler things were when I didn’t do anything but heroin. I don’t want to return to that, but it’s a rough adjustment. I’m very thankful however, that I waited until I had this much clean time to start changing so much and that I didn’t go get a job and everything right away 8 months ago.

           I don’t even know what I am rambling about really. I know how I feel, and I know how I need to do things. But it’s just not easy. And I don’t want it to be easy; I want to know that I worked hard for everything that I get. I’m already getting so much satisfaction out of all the work I’ve been doing. And I can’t wait until I just accomplish more, and more. Even with all the anxiety and everything, I am finally in a space where I want to be. 

G.r.o.w.i.n.g. I.n.t.o. Y.o.u.r. S.p.i.r.i.t.

The following is from Richard Seaman, as one of his daily thoughts to ponder. And following that is my response. This one really made me think :]]

Though to Ponder Day 3: People grow & evolve when they sit inside the fire. (Metaphorically) Are you willing to sit in the fire, be uncomfortable to evolve?

 I think I am now becoming more and more willing to put myself into uncomfortable positions in order to grow. But while I was growing up… forget about it! I didn’t so much as speak one single word if I thought it would cause the slightest change in the energy or a space or someone’s mood. I have always been a “pleaser.” I don’t like confrontation; massive shifts in short amounts of time, or people to get angry/upset with me or a situation. And this has really been a huuuge problem in my life for a long time. It has made me regret so much in school, or other activities I participated in – because I wasn’t myself. I didn’t give the impression that I wanted to, people didn’t get to know the REAL me, and no one even remembers me much because I was soo invisible. I wanted to be invisible. Because at least if your invisible, no one can not like you.

          I am reaching stages in my life where I am growing in the world, I am working in the flow of my own personality and authentic self. I have slowly shifted things to where I am getting to be the person that I want to be. I look how I want to look (mostly). I have my pink hair, and my piercings and tattoos that express myself. I do a million creative projects all the time. I’m going to school – which is something that has always held one of my greatest passions – learning. I’m trying to start my own practice healing people and helping them. There are so many more things that I am doing.

          The important thing though, about the fact that I am going to my dreams – is that I have to be uncomfortable A LOT in order to get there. In school while learning how to heal others, you are on a journey to heal yourself first. And with that comes some really intense emotional releasing, and sharing, and just flat out screaming out your anger from time to time. I have changed soo much as a result though. I don’t even know where I’d be had I not come to this school and started to slowly push my comfort zone in order to achieve what I want, which in the end result is just happiness. Helping people is what I’ve always wanted to do. And this is the perfect way. I have a gift, a blessing, a whatever you want to call it. And I want to give, and share it with others. If being a little uncomfortable along the way is what it takes – then I can live with that.

          The unfortunate thing is that there are so many people that at the first sign of discomfort, they run or shut themselves away. They don’t even wait a second to see if it’s really as bad as they think it will be – and it usually isn’t. At the end of the day I can tell myself that I’m on the right path to where I need to be going, I grow every.single.day. And my relationships with everything in my life – People, Nature, The Divine, etc are growing as well. I’m happy, because I know that I’m working for it.

Things I did in the past for money weren’t satisfying. It was all worthless because I was just trying to get money as quick as I could, so I could get high as quick as I could. I was full of shame, guilt, and so much self-hatred I don’t know how I did not explode. And honestly, I was so much more uncomfortable all the time. I couldn’t sit through an entire movie at the theatre without having to leave, I couldn’t be around a lot of people, I couldn’t even leave the house most of the time. My most used phrase then was probably “I can’t” or “I just don’t feel well enough.”

I may have more anxiety and panic attacks now, but I’m treating them. I take care of myself. The difference is that I deal with the discomfort. The best part of putting yourself out there in order to evolve, is that it feels soo good. I know I’m trying something new, and in the end I will have learned something new and on the inside I’m changing – for the better.

The importance of going outside your comfort zone is so vital, that in order to achieve your dreams – it’s completely inevitable. It’s a MUST. But it’s really up to you if you are ready to grow or not yet? Do you WANT to raise your vibration? Do you want to GROW your self confidence? Think about it, and just take a few steps out of your comfort level and live a little. See what happens! I’m sure it’ll be okay in the end.

<33

Changes. Changes Changes.

In the past two weeks my life has changed pretty dramatically. Danny and I broke up. I moved in with my mother. I'm trying to find a job. So many things are shifting for me. I am trying to accomplish soo many things right now. I want to find myself beneath all of the pink hair and cigarettes. I want to truly know what makes me tick, and most important - why. 


This past weekend I had the honor of enjoying my Emotional Reflexology class. It was different than I though it would be, but at the same time, it was SO amazing. To my surprise I did not cry,or have any explosive releases. But I definitely opened myself up to a lot of thoughts, questions, and realizations about my life and why I do certain things the way that I do. I don't need to know all the answers right now.. but this class really opened up a lot of why I have pain in certain areas of my body. 


My biggest issue is that I don't express my feelings very often. It really depends... When I'm happy I do, and even when I'm sad I try to talk to someone - usually. But it's when I am angry, about pretty much anything or anyone... that I do nothing about. I am so fucking scared to hurt someones feelings, say something that I don't mean, or just outright sound like a bitch - that I don't express my anger. My mother says that she thinks I am really the daughter with the anger problem, not my sister. And it's completely true. I try to journal, and maybe talk to my mom or sister when something makes me mad. But in the long run, my entire life - just about all of my angry/angsty moments are stuffed down inside my somewhere, choking all my visceral organs and weighing me down. 


I need to learn to just... Let It Go. Everything will turn out alright, but if I want to achieve my dreams and truly help people, I have to get this anger out of me! This emotional reflexology work is great though. It deals with finding the tender areas in the foot, and then moving to certain muscles in the body that are associated with the painful area in the feet. My sessions throughout the weekend went by so quickly, I seriously talked the entire time. I just feel like I have so much to say. 


The bottom line is, if I want my life to continue the way it's going - school, sobriety, friends, family, all my little art projects... I have to express my anger much better. It's important for anyone to, and I think some people really lose sight of how important it is. 


Own your feelings. Own your anger, happiness, joy, sadness, compassion, love - everything. Attitude is the foundation of our life. How we react to instances and people is what makes us - us. I want to find what is inside of me, and bring it out. I want to bring out the anger and hurt and let it go. I want to bring out the happiness and joy and let it shine. 


Namaste <333

Open your Eyes & Feel.Feel.FEEL.

     These dreams aren’t stopping. It’s getting to the point where they are soo real and affecting me so much that I wake up craving. It is taking everything in my power every minute of every day not to pick up. I know it won’t do anything, or resolve any issues. But then I have my drug addict brain telling me that it would just be so much easier to give up and go back to using, because then I don’t have to fight it every day.

               

     It’s just weird, how much easier it was to not even think about heroin or have any cravings when I first quit, but now – the difficulty has seriously increased ten-fold. I understand that it’s completely normal and I was expecting this, but I just sort of figured it would be the other way around. Shouldn’t I have been having tempting dreams in the first few weeks what I was still coming off the drug physically? Not now..? Five months later?? It’s seems like a test. And being that I’m totally broke, no car, or anything – it would be a major stretch to try to pick up. But luckily, with sobriety my mind has became much clearer and I know my priorities and consequences.

     It has just come down to a battle between my brilliant tricky mind, and my deeply emotional heart. I know I do not want to use Heroin… but my brain does. It wants the release of all those Endorphins, so that it feels good. And it craves those feelings of a numb sensation throughout my entire body to knock out any and all emotion. My brain is so used to not feeling, that all there ‘emotions’ I’ve been feeling lately are freaking it out completely. And even though feelings are something which I’ve always tried to run away from, lately I have been open & inviting to whatever comes my way – anger, joy, sadness. I know & fully understand that to gain anything from this lifetime that I can’t get by without feeling anything. The quality of life I would experience would be sad, pathetic, and sorrowful. It just wouldn’t be a life anyone would want to live. And as science has stated so fantastically – Every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. If I am so blessed to have the feelings of joy, happiness, love, and compassion in my life – then I am also blessed to have emotions of anger, sadness, envy and anxiety. I now welcome any emotion that I feel because it reminds me that I’m living. I am living a life that is worth something. And just because what I am feeling isn’t always what I want, doesn’t mean that it’s worthless. Every emotion teaches us a lesson and gives us something to gain from really feeling it. I mean just really getting angry and yelling, or just letting tears fall down your face. Allowing your body to feel is one of the healthiest things you can do for it. If anybody doesn’t want to grow into a biter old person, then feel.

 Last Friday night I started my Toe Reading 3 class for the weekend. At the end of the night, we all had a group Reiki healing to send to the families up north being affected by the fire. I have a lot of family up there, and it is also where I am from. It is my first home, and the most beautiful place in Arizona. This was so powerful and amazing I didn’t want it to end. I could feel every little bit of energy moving through my body. I was swaying and moving as the energy moved through my body and into someone else’s. It was so strong that I couldn’t sit still. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere my eyes teared up, and a single teardrop slid down my cheek. After that, another one followed, and another, and another. After just a few moments I had tears just streaming down my face. It was such a beautiful moment. The power, and all the love that was put into the circle was SO strong. And as I sat there, holding the hands of my neighbors on each side of me, with my eyes closed and my body grounded to the Earth. I just felt, so cleansed as I weeped. It was such a good, healthy cry. I just felt like as every tear trickled down to my chin, I was releasing something that was buried down inside me. I was healing my body, and my soul in the circle that night. The rest of that night, and the entire next day I just felt so unbelievably content, and just – happy. I felt like I had been relieved of something heavy, I was so much lighter and in a much better space.

Using the Heroin like I did for so long really affected my mind and my feelings – I just chose not to really have any. I was a zombie so far spun out of her head, didn’t even know which way was down. And sure, there have been times I’ve cried recently. Stress, money problems, whatever – I cry. But to just sit, in a loving, compassionate space and to just FEEL SO MUCH, that I actually cry… well it was pretty fucking amazing. I gotta say, It was a deeply spiritual situation for me, one that I have been much overdue for. I never really felt that having a spiritual connection was really that important my whole life, so not having one didn’t really affect me much. But now that I know how important it is to have one, I need it. And I treasure every moment of bliss I get.

I have made a long way since I have gotten clean. But I have a very far way to go still. And I will continue to work on it my entire life. I have been strengthening my awareness to my feelings in response to the things that I do. I am grateful, lucky, and blessed to have my life that I have, and the emotions that come along with it. The good and the bad – I’m grateful for it all. <3

I'm so stressed that thinking of a title is almost giving me a Panic Attack.

These past two weeks I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. I have spent most of it on the verge of completely breaking down mentally. It started off great though.

 Weekend before last my mother took me to a Healing Night that she was going to be doing Toe Reading at. A friend of ours, Kyle, who we went to school with, started his own healing center out in Queen Creek. I had been hearing about this place since before he really started it. It totally seemed like just yesterday he was in class with me and talked about what he wanted to do. And how freaking awesome it was to actually see what he had done. The whole place (Earth Spirit Center) was amazing. It was so cool to see someone I had gone to school with… and how their path was turning out. The whole night was amaaazing. So many people were there that I could have real conversations with. I met another boy, Cole. He is 16 years old and he too is in recovery from using heroin. Him and I even talked about addiction for a little bit during a group discussion. It was good to talk about it and not feel judged.

During the night I got a henna tattoo of a reiki symbol, that had been blessed with reiki as well. I still have it on my wrist! Tora told me that what it symbolizes is the Earth to the Heavens and back to the Earth, and the plane in between. It is from Primordial Reiki, which I got to hear a little bit about that night. I also saw one of the psychics that were there. I wish I had taped the session because I am forgetting some of the things she said to me. She wasn’t reading my palm or telling me my future or anything like that.. she said things that I needed to hear. Things that … deep down I think I know but needed to be physically spoken to me. She could sense right away that I had had a drug problem. She said that although it was out of my body physically, that energetically it was still clouding my aura a little bit, but that it was slowly getting better. She said that one of the reasons the thought that may have led me to using drugs was that I don’t feel like I fit in.. which is true, I never have. I never feel like anyone just, gets me. And that is a huge reason as to why I started using. I started raving and doing ecstasy and it was great.. I felt like I fit in somewhere. And then she said this .. “You never felt like you fit in, and you are never going to feel like you fit in – because you won’t. You are not here to be a normal person. You are here to lead an extraordinary life. Have you heard of Indigo Children?”  I laughed because she is not the first person that has brought up indigo children to me or my mother before. And I do agree that I fit into that of the Indigo Children, very much so. She also said a few things about my old soul, and that she could see my soul on the other side in the Temple of Dance, and the Temple of Colour. It was an interesting experience =]

So that weekend was pretty good. The following week however was full of stress and irritability. All week I spent freaking out wondering how I was going to pay for my group counseling that I have on Thursday nights, how I’m going to pay my probation payment that is a month overdue, and on top of that I had a final protocol that I had to finish writing that I had to perform on Wednesday night. O.0;;

I still don’t know what to do about my probation. I had to borrow money from a friend, but I don’t like borrowing money from people. It just gets so hard sometimes with this probation – I mean they KNOW that I’m a student, who had NO job, NO income, NOTHING of monetary value.. and yet I can still get in big trouble for something like having a late payment. My groups are 26$ a session, and I was given 26 sessions to do. I have three left now, but I calculated its $113.00 I need to have to pay off everything to get my certificate to finish. The week before she shouldn’t have even let me inside, but she did. And this week I don’t know how I’m going to get in either.. =o It just seems like sometimes the system is setting people up to fail. I completely respect law enforcement and I know that they are doing their job in protecting our people… but I just don’t have money. Danny and I are $400.00 behind on the clinic, and the owner has been in a lot lately. All it takes is for her to walk over and stand behind the nurse and look at the computer screen while she’s getting one of our doses .. and she can make her take it from us, and send us home without our doses. We can’t afford for something like that to happen.. if we don’t get our methadone, its possible that we would use, we’ll be so sick we won’t know what else to do. I don’t have anything else that I could sell so I can make my payments… I sold everything (IPod, Nintendo DS, Nintendo Wii) a while ago so I could get drugs. I Just absolutely loathe that we live in a world that requires this stupid little piece of paper called ‘money’. We have to have it or we are going to fail. Miserably. And it totally blows. I just wish that sometimes things were a little bit easier as far as money goes. I still don’t know what to do about my probation payment.. and as soon as I pay it, my next one is due in just a couple days. I just don’t know what to do, I hate asking people to loan me money, and had to do that just yesterday so I could get into my group.

Wednesday night I had my final protocol to do. And especially Danny could tell that I was verrry anxious and stressed out about the whole thing. The entire day I was so stressed out and irritable. But it went over very very well. Mine was one of the protocols that the teachers made copies of for students to take home. I let my OCD get the best of me on that one.. I did it waaay longer than I needed to. Most peoples’ were 1-2 pages, and mine was.. I don’t even know how many and went into great detail. I was stressing out about something that I didn’t have to do so detailed. But, that’s how I roll I guess lol

On May 29^th one of my really good friends Rory got back from Oklahoma ( Military) and had a party. So I brought Tyler and we went and had a good time. I never never never get out of the house for something fun really, - especially to party and let loose a little bit. It was good just to hang out, and have a fun time with nothing to worry about. I enjoyed it.

I saw my mother on Sunday. Her and her boyfriend on like 3 ½ years I think.. broke up. I missed her all week a lot though. My mom makes me feel better when I’m stressed out. We had a good Sunday night. My sister was in Cali for the weekend, so it was just the two of us. We got some hummus and a little bit of pasta salad at Sprout’s, rented a movie, and went to the house and had a great night =] I know it’s something so little, but being able to have long, heart-to-heart conversations with my mother is something I missed so much while I was using. And with my sister as well. We were always so close, and I shattered that. But it’s so much better now =] I am so grateful for the minutes I get to spend talking to my family.

Sunday DAY we had a party for Danny’s cousin that just graduated high school. It was pretty fun. His brother brought over his two black labs. They were sooo pretty. Danny and I decided that when we get a puppy we would like to get a Black Labrador. They are very pretty, playful. – but they look intimidating when you need them to. I can’t wait to get a little puppy so Kylie has a friend =] haha.

Sooo.. anyways. I have literally sat down in front of my computer to write this blog probably five different times in the past week and a half, and everything I just can finish it for some reason I don’t know why. I start a new class tonight, Pathology & Assessment. I am very very excited! I know I am only steps away from starting to make clients and start working on people. I am still extremely stressed about money though. I now have 1 probation payment that is a month late, and another probation payment that is due today. And tomorrow I have my group counseling for which I need like 20$ that I absolutely do not have. –Sigh- I will try my hardest to figure something out!

“When we change, the world changes. The key to all change is in our inner transformation--a change of our hearts and minds. This is human revolution. We all have the power to change. When we realize this truth, we can bring forth that power anywhere, anytime, and in any situation”   - Daisaku Ikeda

Somewhere deep in my subconscious...

     So lately I think I have been hit with one of the biggest tests yet in my sobriety – my dreams. They have progressively been getting worse night by night, and seriously pissing me off. I have never liked dreaming, it has never been much of a good experience for me, and if it has… then I sure as hell don’t remember those dreams. I have always had a hard time remembering dreams my entire life, and for about the past six months they have become vivid nightmares for me every night – usually about the world ending or loved ones dying.  And unfortunately in the past few weeks – heroin.

          The first drug dream that I had was a couple weeks ago. I did not use in the dream, all that happened was I had some and wanted to do it, but then I forgot about it. I did not understand why the hell out of nowhere I had a dream like this, since drugs, especially heroin have been the last thing on my mind lately. Of course it comes up in my mind, because being a heroin addict is something I have to struggle and deal with my entire life. However, I have not craved it, thought about using it, or anything like that in months.

          I didn’t have another dream like this for about a week, and the second one was a little worse. In this dream I was driving around in the middle of the night trying to get a hold of someone, so I could go pick some up. I never did though, it was just like the last one... it began where I had to have it and was trying so hard to get it... But then the dream just continued and I forgot about it. It felt soo vividly real. And I HATED that. I felt that same obsessive, compulsive feeling I used to feel when I needed to get heroin. That feeling where I absolutely had to have it, and I would sell whatever I needed to in order to get it, or meet any person. Looking back, that feeling is an awful feeling, it’s the drug pulling at every fiber of my being, turning me into someone else – a someone that is ruled by a dirty, nasty drug, because I have to have it – unless I want to be so sick that I would rather slit my wrists than go through it…And after I woke up, I was so grateful that it wasn’t real… However I was beginning to become greatly disturbed. =/

          A few days later I had another dream. And the next night. And the next night... I had a dream about trying to get heroin, or having it on me and trying to get to somewhere where I could shoot up – These dreams went on like this every night for about 5 nights in a row. I did not use one single time in any of these dreams. Some were incredibly bizarre, and others were more mundane… but I have never in my life, that I can recall, had so many dreams in such a short amount of time that revolved around one specific issue. I mean, for all I know, subconsciously these dreams may have absolutely nothing to do with my addiction, drugs, or addict behavior. I have no idea what they mean. But it’s seriously irritating and really pissing me off.

          Last night, my dream changed. In my dream, I used. Several times. It felt so real, sticking the needle in my arm... hiding in the bathroom so I could stay ashamed of myself in closed quarters, lying to people about what I’m doing. I woke up with a headache, pissed off, and so utterly confused as to why this is going on in my head. I know that my dreams usually aren’t the most lighthearted, and usually they are very creepy, dark, and scary... but most of the time I can at least try to find some sort of meaning to it, and even if I can’t.. it’s just a dream, I know that a fucking dragon isn’t really going to show up somewhere, or a hundred tornadoes at one time. But I just don’t understand even a fragment of why these are going on. 

     Now it’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to go to bed, because I have grown to hate that feeling, with a passion. I don’t want to use heroin. I don’t want to stick syringes in my arms. I don’t don’t don’t want to be that person anymore. And I’m not... So why is it haunting my subconscious mind??? And WHY after how great I have been doing for myself and my life is this happening??? Because it sure as hell is not easy to ignore, it’s a sick fucking game my mind is playing on me.

          It’s nice to finally vent about it a bit. I know that dreams are an important key to our subconscious, and what is going on deep down inside of our enigmatic souls... But these have really been bothering me. After every night I wake up from another of these dreams, is more and more that those old feelings are getting pushed into my head. Honestly, it’s really starting to get a little bit difficult to keep it out of my mind. I don’t want it here. I want to live my life, the way I have been. I don’t want to go back to being a junkie. I just want it to go away, but unfortunately I don’t know how to control my dreams. I guess I’m just wondering … what is in this situation that I need to face or learn something from? What the fuck is going on and why??

For you, mom.

Happy Mother's Day :]] This entry is dedicated to the strongest person I know, my mother, the one who gave me life. 
     My mother has and always will be my hero. She has an insurmountable amount of strength within her that is rare to find in someone. I could not have popped up in her belly at a better time. Bringing happiness into her world that had been dark and gloom for almost a year. I saved her. 
     Raising my younger sister and I from quite a young age, we were given a good life. No, it wasn't always perfect, but the thing that has made it great is that she always tried her hardest to do the best for her children. And that says more than any material thing ever could. Without realizing it, she has taught my sister and I very valuable things that I am so grateful for.
    Growing up we had a great relationship, we were extremely close. As my drug addiction got worse and worse, our relationship started to change more and more. The thing I am so thankful for, however, is her finally learning that trying to change me isn't going to change anything. She didn't go anywhere wrong in raising me. This is my battle that I have to face and conquer. She let me find my way, and made sure I knew she was there for me and loved me. The growth I have seen in her the past few years is just absolutely amazing. She is almost an entirely different person, and I  am so happy for her. 
    SWIHA has helped my mother come out of her shell, and be who she is on the inside and let the world see that beauty and not be afraid. Knowing that I am the reason that brought her to that school, I wouldn't take back a second of my past, because without that.. she may not be as happy as she is now. Who knows. 
     But we have both given each other so much. She has saved me.
     My mother will always be my favourite person to watch movies with. My mother will always be the one person that I know gives me unconditional love with every breath that she takes. My mother will always have the most delicious dinners that she cooks with random things from the cupboard. My mother will always be the voice in my head, when I think something isn't the way it should be. My mother will always be the talented, creative woman that raised me. My mother will always be the beautiful person that people are attracted to in every way. My mother will always be the one who makes me believe in what I think is 'impossible.' My mother will always be the best at taking care of me when I am sick. My mother will always be the person that I can talk to for hours and just let the whole day fly by. My mother will always be with me <3 

I love you mom. You have blessed me with this beautiful life and I am forever grateful to you. You are my hero, and I can't possibly comprehend a world without you. <333

I can't wait to make you dinner tonight ;)

Feelings.Rushing.Burning.Escaping.

Lately a real struggle for me has been the fact that I have to begin to feel emotions again. And I am definitely being tested lately. I have spent years perfecting that exact thing - NOT feeling. And now that I have done good for myself and I have begun to turn my life around and quit using heroin, I have to start feeling again too? I know I need to and I know I want to, but the road getting there is in no way being underestimated, its hard. And, inevitably that is what has led me back to the heroin every other time in the past when I have quit.
     I am so grateful for my class that I took this weekend 5 Element Acupressure for Emotional Healing. This is definitely something that I am going to use not only for clients, but myself as well. In the class we worked with the Transverse Fascial Membranes, to help to release emotions being stored in certain places of the body. Also we worked with Aromatherapy, the 5 elements with Traditional Chinese Medicine, some reflexology, Cranial Sacral work, and Acupressure.
     Laying down in a dark room, on a massage table, smelling strong esential oils from all over - its hard to know what to expect when someone is about to open up the Fascial Membrane on my Diaphragm, Pelvic Bone, Clavicle, and Occipital Ridge. For me, my body reacts in a number of ways to therapeutic sessions. For one, I twitch... quit a bit, because my body wants that person working on me to get away because it is not use to all the feelings that are being stirred up inside. Another thing is that I got very tight like my body woudnt let anyone in, it was protecting me from all the times I have been hurt in the past.Lastly,  I was accompanied by mass amounts of heat and vibrations throughout my entire body which was pretty overwhelming some of the time.
     It took two sessions working with opening up the membranes for me to start to process just a sliver of some of my emotions. All day yesterday after class I found myself being extremely emotional. And the thing about it was, I didn't know why. I knew my body most likely released some emotions and was just working through them. But being sad and not knowing why has been familiar to me since the third grade and I've always wanted to do something to fix myself - as if I've always been broken. And although I know now that isn't true anymore, it is still extremely hard to get used to feeling anger, or extreme sadness. I can no longer turn to the drugs to hide my real feelings anymore. It's a really hard struggle for me. I have always been someone who wants to please others, play nice, and not get in the way. But it has made me this person who has so much pent up anger that I am afraid to let it out because of who might be in the way.. But I don't want to end up alone and bitter, which is what will likely happen if I don't.
     I didn't realize how void of emotion I really was until it started to come back to me and although some of it can be overwhelming, I have also been experiencing great joy as well. When addicted to drugs I had no energy, no happiness, I was constantly numb of anything happy or sad. I would look at people and envy them for their energy to be able to walk a half mile to the store, or get up and go to work everyday because I couldn't hold a routine with anything. I was just too sick all the time. But in the past four months I have started school again, my romantic relationship with Danny has been improving far more than I thought it could have in such a short amount of time, and I constantly soak up every second I can with my family and love it all. Being full of life is so worth the hard times, because it is those happy moments of pure bliss that make this life worth living. And I know I'm here for a reason, a big reason.

Thoughts. Ramblings.

     I have been pondering for a few days now on what to write. Or what I don't want to write. But it's not about what I want others to see or not to see, it about what I NEED to let out. And going through the transformation that I have been making in my life recently, I have a lot that I have kept inside of my head, and my heart eating me alive for years. And in order to heal myself from the inside out, I ultimately need to release the demons that I am defeating.

     When my mother asked me earlier tonight if there was a point in my time during my addiction when I knew that deep down I was going to end up okay... Did I? Sometimes. There were times when I would hate the heroin, and all the scars on my body from the constant mutilation of sticking a needle in my arm. and I would get sick of it and want to change.. but its not that simple. And then I would think, well maybe I won't be okay, if I can't quit this now, when am I ever going to? And then the cycle would get deeper and deeper. And I wouldn't care anymore. I would spend all of my money down to the last cent on heroin, cigarettes, and gas to go get the heroin. I treated my boyfriend like shit just because I knew he would take it. I didn't care if people looked at me and all the saw was a 5'6'' 90 pound junkie who didn't give a shit about anything but her smack.. cause that's all I was. And did I think I would still somehow climb out of that hole? I wanted to, but it felt very hopeless a lot of the time. A few of the times in my life when I have been incredibly scared were when I knew I had no more drugs, and no more money, and come a few hours time I would begin to feel so sick I would want to slit my wrists just so I didn't have to go through it again. And it seemed like everytime I managed to quit, I got further and further down and it was harder and harder to get back up again.

     But do I regret it? That is a hard question to answer, and ultimately in the end I believe my answer would have to be no. I feel that this is a lesson my soul needed to face in this lifetime for one reason or another, and for all the life that I have lived in my short 20 years, I can now spend the rest of it using my painful journey to teach and heal others.
      The things I am having trouble letting go of is mostly how I treated others. Here I am, the sweetest person on the fucking planet and I am so far gone that those who were the closest to me, I hurt the most. And although I feel guilt for much of what I have done because of my addiction, it has made me ever more grateful for those relationships now. I believe that my relationship with my sister will be better than it has ever been. And my relationship with my boyfriend, we have been through so much in the last three years that the depth of how close we are goes beyond any physical realm. My mother, finally learned that it was not her fault. And she learned that as long as I knew she loved me and was there for me, that things would work themselves out. I am so grateful for her learning what she has and how to deal with things, because it makes our relationship stronger because I can now talk to her about things, when I struggled to in the past.
     The one thing I am having trouble understanding is the sexual assault I have had to endure. Three times. Three different people. That I knew. I don't get it, when I am a good person, and yes, I fell into my addiction, but how was that not enough, and the death of my sister not enough, that I have to feel like my body is a meaningless object for people to take advantage of and do what they want. And there's nothing I can do about it now. And lately that is all that is in my head a lot of the time. I struggle to understand what I did to deserve it. Not so much deserve.. but, what the hell is the lesson that I am to learn from this? Because all I can really recognize is the destruction it has caused me, and my romantic relationship. I am at a loss for what to do because I don't know how to forget about it just so I can be with my love. And it hurts him because he doesn't know what to do to help me, or how to help me. and I hate it. But I suppose I will just have to be patient and see what comes out of this, because for all of what I have gone through in my life I know at the very least I can still use this to help others who are at a loss.

Now time for bed so I can continue with my Five Element Accupressure for Emotional Healing class tomorrow... Goodnight.